Humility

Hey Friends,

So the past month has not only been a test of my faith, but of my humility as well. As you all know, last semester I had 11 classes total and managed to get by; but not without suffering in other areas of my life. Such as health and relationships. This semester I am actually dropping a couple classes and focusing more on my family core/relationships as well as developing the musical gifts that the Lord has given me.

On top of that, last Tuesday I got sick. REALLY sick. I couldn't keep any food down and had THE worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life. It was like this for a couple days and then we were supposed to start our spring 3-day fasting LTE on Thursday; the day I was supposed to have a check-up probation meeting with the women's discipline manager here at the Honor Academy. Well, going into the meeting, I was extremely out of it and so I spilled the beans about being sick. If you know me, I'm definitely a busy body and am always at work on something. Even over the summer, working 14 hour days was not hard for me; even if I neglected everything else. So, being the crazy woman I am, I didn't tell my manager. Not a good idea. During this meeting, as the conversation quickly snowballed into bringing up past events and hurts in my life that I didn't even know where there, I realized that I put way too much emphasis on my work. It has been a place of security for me in many ways. 1st, when Mom had to go back to work in order to be able to support the family, I kind of took on the role that she would have had if she had been home. Dad was in bed 22 plus hours a day and unable so if I didn't do it while Mom was at work, then who would?

So even though I never realized it until now, I had taken on that mentality and it has shaped who I am; but not in the best way possible. I HATE calling in sick because I feel like I'm failing the company/ministry so I usually just suck it up and carry on; I mean, its not the end of the world if I throw up once, right?
But in that meeting, I came face to face with one of my worst fears: someone putting me in my place. It took Holly (I am SO grateful for this woman!!) telling me straight up that I am going to become a workaholic years into my marriage and neglect the time with my husband and with my children...and her asking if that's what I really wanted to really put things into perspective. Yes, I've been told that I am hard on myself, but how far is too far?

So, I told Anthony (manager) that I was told to return to my room and get some rest. THIS took a lot of humility...I was so afraid of letting the team down! We are on one of the biggest events of the ATF season. We call for Sacramento and our base goal is 8,250 people this year! You can imagine how overwhelming this can be at times.
Anyways, I went back to the room and got some rest thinking that it was the stupidest thing in the world and that I would be better by the next day so I could go to the Fasting LTE sessions at least. WRONG!!! Don't ya know that every time I set my alarm to get up and get ready, it either didn't go off or I didn't remember shutting it off. God works in humorous ways sometimes!

So, to shorten the story, I texted Anthony Saturday to update him as to what was going on with me and he said that we had registered almost 800 people that week and that we were almost 1,000 above what our goal is at the moment!! LOL. And I thought God couldn't do it without MY help...I mean, after all, if I didn't do it, who was going to? Boy, did that teach me something!

So even though I didn't get to fast with the rest of the interns, I was still able to take something SO valuable away from this that I wish I would have learned forever ago!

I CAN'T...but God can.
I've been so afraid of failure that I've let it define me; but in all reality, without HIM...I really DO fail.

Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to be sick so that I was able to FINALLY get it through my head that I am only human and I can only do so much on my own but that I have a God who cares enough to allow me to cast my cares upon Him and is strong enough and big enough to support me in my weaknesses! :)

New Year, New Semester, & More New Beginnings

WOW....sorry it has taken so long to update!

This semester is going to be AMAZING! I had a beautiful Christmas break at home complete with a candle-lit dinner with Dad, lots of shopping/girl time with Mommy, and more than enough video game time with my brothers! :) I even got a surprise visit from my very good friend, Steve. It was SO good to be back at Hamilton Life Church...as it has been a little difficult finding one here that I can adjust to. I'm trying not to be so critical, but you know how that goes...I miss MY church. =p

(My brothers & I over Christmas Break)

Now it is back to the busyness (which, to be quite honest; I LOVE!). I'm refreshed and ready to learn more about the Lord and His plan for my life while falling deeper in love with Him.

Classes started up in full this week; I have 10 this semester...along with I.E.T. (Intensive Elective Training). I can't wait!! :)

Worldview

Missions

Portfolio Papers

Great Books

Risen Women

New Testament Survey

Apologetics

Piano

Worship Leadership 1

Character Development (starts in March)

We also have our mid-year defenses coming up February 7th-9th. A mid-year defense is a time for each intern to go before a few staff members/advisors and give a brief summary of what they have learned so far and why they think they should be allowed to continue on in the internship. It really sets apart who wants to be here and who are just content with getting by (as I'm sure you all have noticed...being an intern is NOT an easy thing). So please be in prayer for that.

I'm hoping to have a little free time this weekend to work on a Norway post complete with video and pictures...but need to have my mid-year defense portfolio completed before anything; so no promises! :(

Love & miss you all!

-Casee

3-Day Fasting LTE (Nov. 4-7)

Here is an experience I thought I'd share from our 3-day fasting LTE (Life Transforming Event) back at the beginning of November:

"Into The Deep."; this was the theme for 3 days of fasting and prayer. No communication with friends or family, no music; just me and my Jesus. Considering I had never fasted before the Honor Academy, this concept seemed a little challenging to me. Little did I know that those three days were going to change the way that I viewed my relationship with Christ forever!

The first day proved to be a little rough as the Lord brought up my past and all the hurt I had encountered in it. He kept tugging at my heart to let it all go, but something was holding me back and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Throughout the first day the Lord gave me random poetic lines and phrases about Christ's love and dancing with Jesus in fields of wildflowers. I was quite frustrated at this because poetry was a huge part of my past and since going through an abusive relationship, I had given up writing completely; so when I can't finish writing what I've started, I get really discouraged. This happened throughout the second day as well and I was starting to wonder why I was even fasting if it was just going to cause me to get so down on myself. Then, the morning we were to break our fast; He revealed the very picture of Him I had been longing to experience. As I sat there with my eyes closed in worship, a heavenly scene played out before me as if I were watching a movie.

"Just my Jesus and me in a field of wildflowers. We sit down to eat and, with tears in my eyes, I begin confessing every sin I had ever committed, telling Him I'm not worthy. He looks at me with eyes so tender and says "I think you're describing someone else. The woman sitting before me has a pure heart. She is forgiven; she had been set apart for me. She is my princess with eyes full of love and beauty." With this, He scooped me up in His arms, dried my tears, and then we danced for hour upon hour as we intimately shared the deepest part of our hearts. Before I knew it, the sun was setting; I had spent all day with my heavenly Prince and it STILL didn't feel like enough time.

As the tears began to run down my cheek, my Lord asked me "Why so sad, love?" I stumbled over my words; "I don't want you to leave me. This has been the best day of my life and I never want it to end." He sweetly smiled at me and, kissing my tears, He got down on one knee. "Casee," He said, "It doesn't have to end; I have always been right there beside you. Will you do something for me?" Struggling to catch my breath, I managed a very weak "Yes." "Will you run away with me? Casee, will you marry me?" My soul was overjoyed and with the most loving embrace I've ever felt, He picked me up and swung me around. I could hardly believe what had just happened. My Jesus. My Holy Saviour. He was desperate; for me!

As if the day had not been perfect enough, there I laid in His warm embrace as He counted off each and every star by name. As my eyes grew heavy, I could help but smile. I was in love; and He was head-over-heels for me."

THIS was what this weekend was about; encountering the Lord like never before. It was a time to soak in the presence of God and be pulled in closer & DEEPER; into an intimate relationship with Him.

Busy, Busy, BUSY!!!!

So the life of an intern is EXTREMELY busy....especially when they take two and a half weeks off to go to NORWAY!!! Ahhhh! I have finals ALL next week so I have been studying like CRAZY (9 Finals to take next week)! I shall DEFINITELY post pictures from Norway when I go home for Christmas break though. I will fly in on December 18th and return to Texas on January 2nd. I can't wait!!!! Here is just a taste of what I got to experience though. :)

This is Where The Healing Begins

Going to Norway changed my life in so many ways, but the biggest impact it made on me was definitely helping me come to the realization that it is okay to be myself.

Growing up, I've always heard that said...but here, at this point in my life....being 21 years old, I FINALLY understand what that means. The past two months I've struggled with feeling like I'm not "good enough". Most of the interns here came to the Honor Academy right out of high school...and although I'm only 21, I was feeling so beat down by the fact that I've made mistake after mistake after mistake, before finally walking down the path that God had intended. In a way, I've been feeling condemned. I've been believing the lie that I'm too broken or dirty to be used by God...that I'm worthless. I've been comparing my life with others' lives...and it has killed me spiritually.

Thankfully, God is a loving God...and a persistent one. He continues to pursue me and speak truth over my life when I am so blinded by the enemy; when the demons screaming lies into my life drown out the gentle voice of my Saviour whispering words of love and affirmation.

You see, its not about being the best "Christian". Sometimes, I think the church today is so set on religion instead of relationship, and because that's all we've been taught...when it comes to the relationship part, we are still in "religion mode". This makes it hard for us to receive God's love because we still feel we have to earn it. The beauty of it all is that God loves us no matter what; He doesn't just love us, He is head-over-heels for us! He would do ANYTHING it takes to win our heart if we could just open up our eyes and hearts, acknowledging that he is there!

Just realizing that one thing - allowing God's love to become REAL to me, has changed my view on everything. I might not be the best worship leader right now; I might hit the wrong note or play the wrong chord. I might not be the wisest woman alive or feel like I am ready to lead a group of young women through their struggles; and somehow that is okay. The Lord wants me just how I am...broken and bruised. I HAVE been through a lot...and before I can lead others through their circumstances and trials, I have to acknowledge that I am feeling just like they are and allow God to lead ME through.

Someone in Norway told me that they feel the next two years of my life are going to bring about significant healing...which brought comfort in so many ways. I can't just live like my past never happened because it has brought me to where I am today and going through the healing process definitely plays a huge part in where the Lord is calling me (young women's ministry). Just to know that I don't have to get from point A to Z in this one year internship brings a lot of relief in different areas of my life. I can be free to be myself and I don't have to feel defeated when I see other people ministering to others in ways that I am not able to yet. There are always going to be people that God will allow me to minister to in ways that I don't necessarily expect...and that's the cool part; that He can still use me in the midst of my brokenness! :) I am resting safely in His arms, soaking in His love....allowing it to become real to me and healing my heart in ways that I never thought it could be touched again. The crazy thing is, there is SO much more that I will come to realize as I walk with Him daily. There has already been so much healing but this is just the beginning.

THIS is where the healing begins!

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear


So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Be Not Afraid!

Throughout the Norway trip, the Lord revealed Himself to me in so many ways that I've never experienced before. The team went to Norway to "break chains" and bring freedom not just in worship, but in every area of their lives. It is definitely safe to say that chains were not only broken off of THEM, but in my life as well.

Growing up, I always considered myself a shy girl. I have now come to the realization that I have been believing a lie. Yes, I am normally a quiet person...BUT...there is a difference between being gentle-spirited and being SHY. Being shy is something I have started considering as a stronghold in my life. I know that the Lord has big plans for me; it has been confirmed numerous times through prayer, circumstances, AND other people...but if I put God in a box, telling Him that He can only do so much in my life because I'm not willing to take that step of boldness; because I'm AFRAID...how can I ever expect to grow?

2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity; but of power, of love, and of self-discipline."

Forgiveness is a Choice!

One of the things that the Lord has been really working in me on is the forgiveness issue. Growing up, I never had a good relationship with Dad; which now I realize is the root of a lot of my relationship problems. I hold things against certain people that they most likely don't even know hurt me. I expect too much of people; I hold them up to this 'perfect standard' when, really, I can't even live up to that myself!

I always feel defeated when the past comes up and I can't let it go from my memory. The truth is, the past will always be there. You can't live like it never happened; it has made you who you are...but forgiveness is a choice. You can choose to let your past circumstances tbeat you to the ground and make you an angry, bitter, lonely person; or you can stand back up when they knock you down, choose to be the bigger person, and stop the negative thoughts before they can take hold of you...which, in the end, brings so much more freedom than you will ever be able to comprehend!