Perspective: Epic Fail...or Lesson Learned?

My life...has been anything but ordinary the past 12 years or so. Sometimes I look back (especially recently) and I wonder; if I had done things differently would I be a better person. It's so easy to look back and have regrets...but it takes a strong individual who has just been knocked down to say "Hey, that was a silly mistake; how can I do things differently to prevent it FROM happening again?"...and get back up.

And this is what the Lord is teaching me...in so many aspects of my life. I've always been a perfectionist, a people-pleaser, and an independent woman. I've always had the mindset, "If I don't do it, it just won't get done." And so I work at something...until it either becomes my life 24/7 or a make myself sick over it and then deny that I'm doing so.

In an earlier post, I covered this a little bit; but it's just something that the Lord continues to bring up in my life.

It is no secret that a year at the Honor Academy is challenging and I figured I've been through a lot emotionally over the past 12 years...how bad could it possibly be? "I'm strong enough after everything I've gone through...this year has nothing on me."

WRONG. While recently I've been meeting with Mary Beth Hasz (one of the most amazing and wisest women I've ever met!), I'm recently learning that I've always run from my problems instead of working through them. That's not strength; that's being a coward! Yet, in order for me to come off to others as a "strong" woman...I've covered these flaws up by pushing myself harder whether in academics or ministry placement. I did amazing last semester. I took every single class and only got one B...and I felt like I was on top of the world in my ministry placement. I started learning how to have better conversations on the phone and I really learned how to love being a people person and helping people in customer service. Only one problem: as time went on...and I fell more in love with Jesus; he took me to deeper levels that I've never experienced before.

What's wrong with that you might say? Well...it can be an amazing thing! BUT...in order to go deeper...you have to take in the good with the bad. There is a hefty price paid for going deeper. As He breaks down the walls around my heart that I've built up over the years...brick by brick; under each layer is a piece of my past that I've tucked away somehow and forgotten about. All the while, I've allowed it to shape who I am by either forming thoughts about myself or people that aren't true. Painful things...that I just thought were a normal part of life; emotionally and spiritually. Yes, we are going to struggle with things..but the simple truth is; WE DON'T HAVE TO IF WE WOULD JUST RENEW OUR MINDS WITH SCRIPTURE! It sounds SO silly, but one thing I've learned is that you have SO much control over the negative things in your life...like your thoughts. Yeah, its easier to give in; but its SO much more worth it to battle it out...even if it takes tears. ;)

As these things are being revealed...its effecting my grades and how I function. Which, to me...the perfectionist...is extremely frustrating! Yet maybe I'm not here to get straight A's (yes, of course I'm going to strive for it!), or be the best in every single thing that I do (one thing I'm learning is that there is ALWAYS going to be someone that can do something better than you...this is extremely humbling by the way!)...if I go through this year acting so strong; not letting anything effect me...then why am I here? What is the point of taking any class that I'm taking...and getting an A; if I don't put it into practice??

As some of you know, I took a week and a half break from the Honor Academy. During this; I missed main roads and, yes, Satan has tormented me with the thought that I've missed out on something huge. But ya know what? The past two weeks were SO refreshing in so many ways, I couldn't even express to you in a blog how much my perspective has changed.

One of the core nights that we've had here at the HA, consisted of staring into a mirror; into your own eyes...and writing down every thought that comes to mind. I decided to give this another try on my own at home. What I saw disturbed me. I looked so tired & worn out, there was anger, I looked depressed, and extremely overwhelmed. I hardly recognized myself. Here I was at the Honor Academy....trying SO hard to be the "perfect" Christian girl who everybody was SO proud of...yet, I wasn't being ME. I've been missing the whole point. Yes, God wants us to strive for Godly things...so we can be intimate with Him. BUT...really? He is already in love with everything we are; inside and out.

As I finished getting ready evening and left the house for a short drive before I met up with friends...I heard the most comforting words I think I've heard in a long time from the Lord. "Casee, just stop. Stop trying so hard. I want you just the way you are." Yes, we have quiet times at the Honor Academy...yes, we have classes on how to hear God's voice more clearly. Yet sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of trying to be a good person and we think the more involved we are or more scripture we read; we'll impress either people or God. That couldn't be further from the truth. He wants to walk through the fire with you; not wait until you are already refined to be with Him. His love for us is not measured by the number of calls we make in a day, if we fail to turn in homework or not, or whether we get so stressed out that we make a fool out of ourselves by losing grip of our emotions; we are qualified to be His in those little imperfections...and he wants to walk hand in hand with us, even if it does take baby steps to get where we're going.

So when I look back and see how I've "failed" in certain areas...is it going to bother me? I could let it...or I could see it as a way to admit that I was wrong, learn from my mistakes, humble myself and let Jesus help me back up, and last but not least, accept His love and mercy daily as I struggle with these things. I'm learning that a perfectionist is a VERY prideful individual...and it makes it very hard for me to accept help, not just from other people; but I put walls up so easily between my Savior and I when I refuse to accept his grace because somehow I think I can do things on my own. Forget that! I'm done with holding on to my pride; true strength comes from true faith. God I trust in YOU and YOUR abilities...not mine!

Emotional Drama Queen...Or Just Crazii Little Me??

They say that you shouldn't regret anything that has made you who you are today; but sometimes I wonder how it's possible to look at things in such a positive light all of the time. Sure, everyone has their good days and bad days...but how do you keep the joy of the Lord in sight when LIFE is thrown at you? I realize that had I not been through certain circumstances and learned from them, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't realize my need for a Saviour; yet at the same time, I often wish I could take everything back and do it over again...just so I could live without the pain.

In one of my recent meetings with Mary Beth Hasz (I love this woman so much!), she took me through a process which consisted of "breaking soul ties" and speaking out against anything in my past that I've overlooked and has kept me from being intimate with the Lord. We went through each and every sin one by one and I was fine with speaking the words "I forgive myself and let go of (you fill in the act)..." until we reached the guilt and condemnation part. I don't think I've ever hesitated or choked up more at trying to speak a few words.

I've also heard it said that most of the time, forgiving yourself is the hardest part. This is SO true...yes, I've had to forgive some people that have caused very big wounds in my heart, but I think so often, when I remind myself that forgiveness is a choice; I forget to include myself in those "choices". Guilt & condemnation are two of the biggest things that Satan can hold above someone's head and I'm definitely figuring that out lately.

Yes, I've made some stupid decisions in my life...and yes, they've caused problems. However, everything is NOT my fault and just because I've made mistakes, "got a couple dents in my fender, and a couple rips in my jeans"; doesn't mean that the Lord views me that way. So why should I believe a lie? If I'm being honest, sometimes this is a battle of the mind and soul that turns into a physical one. One of my biggest frustrations is that I can't show anger, frustration, sadness, or even joy sometimes; I cry. Over everything. It's something I've tried to work on, but that's just how I'm wired.

So what if can't be 200% joyful all the time or I'm not quite ready to go into ministry yet? Are people going to think less of me? Maybe. Are people going to label me a cry baby or emotional drama queen? Probably. Does it make me any less "Christian"? Definitely not! The Lord is bigger than my circumstances and I know He's not through refining me yet and as hard as it is to convince myself of these things, I am willing to do what it takes though to stand back up. Yes, I've got scripture and you bet I'm gonna use it...BUT sometimes you just have to fight with your tears...and that's okay too!

Lord, give me strength!

I am drained.

Mentally.

Spiritually.

Physically.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

I need a break.

Period.

"Into Your Hands, I Commit My Spirit..."

"As Graduate Interns we have responded to the call to aggressively and passionately pursue our own self-development and that of each individual within our sphere of influence.

It is our responsibility to clearly mark the path enabling others to follow as we follow the example of Christ. We are perfectly united in mind and though, standing in one spirit, contending as one man, proclaiming Christ as one voice to this generation. Our leadership is based on a selfless sense of duty that demands that we surpass what is expected of ourselves and of those whom we serve. We were designed for accomplishment, intended for success and endowed with seeds of greatness. We are not limited by the place of birth, color of our skin, but the size of our hope and faith in God. We now live by His presence, we lean on His faith, we love by patience, we lift by prayer and labor by power.

Challenges ahead will frequently bring pain, but pain is temporary while growth is permanent. We believe that those challenges will form the strongest moral foundation that will produce the leaders who best reflect the legacy of the Honor Academy. This is our conviction and true commitment to ourselves and to God from which WE WILL NOT BACK DOWN."

The Honor Academy's Graduate Intern program definitely has many options to choose from....but which one (if any at all) is a perfect fit for ME??

It is now that time of year in the internship that every single one of us has either been dreading or waiting for in anticipation with hopes that God will soon reveal to us what His plans are for the next steps in our lives.

At the beginning of the year I was so set on staying a second year in The School of Worship...and then after that, moving on to yet my THIRD and final year at TeenMania.

Yep, I had it all planned out.

Until...the Lord started revealing to me that, despite what I'd convinced myself of my entire life...I DO have something to offer in one on one ministry. When I was younger (before my crazy side came out), I had always dreamed of working with teenage girls; crazy, I know...because I was like 10! BUT with everything I've been through and dealt with both in my teenage years and rebellious years; I've learned A LOT. Granted...the Lord is DEFINITELY not through with me yet, but He is bringing a lot of healing and restoration which I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was all to prepare and equip me for my future.

Some may argue that such a good and loving God would NEVER make His children go through the things I've had to deal with; which is TRUE. BUT I know that while He doesn't CAUSE bad things to happen to us, our choices do...and He allows us to experience the results of our actions because He loves us and He knows it will bring us closer to Him in the end.

‎"I will make a wholehearted effort to show the love and mercy of Christ by loving & serving unconditionally and I will seek out younger women to mentor in faith & integrity while helping them discover their beauty, potential, & value in their heavenly prince, Jesus."

-My Mission Statement

With all of this being said, the Lord has asked me to lay down music for the next season of my life (don't worry, I'm still going to develop my talents)...and He's been asking this of me since the beginning of January. I'll admit, The School of Worship program has been an AMAZING opportunity...and its not an easy thing He is asking of me. ESPECIALLY, considering I'm just getting back into music after giving it up for two years. I have the opportunity to write music, play in prayer room bands, and record demos...and I realize its not everyday that you are given an opportunity like that! But could it be that I've put WAY too much emphasis on the talents the Lord has given me and taken all the credit for myself...leaving Him completely out of the picture?? Its been about what "I can sing"...or "I can play"...and yet I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Him. I'm beginning to realize I've had pride that I didn't even know was there; oh what a beautiful thing to be sweetly broken at the foot of the cross.

The real reason He wants me to lay it down is because He has made it VERY clear that He wants me to focus on being a servant. Now what that consists of? I'm not quite sure to be honest with you.

I was accepted down School of Worship & Ministry Team roads.

School of Worship will have to wait; if I don't have the Lord's blessing, why do it? It would be all out of selfish ambitions.

I'm still praying about Ministry Team roads for sure though. I recently went home (sort of) to Nashville, TN. on SWAT for the Acquire the Fire event that took place. Just knowing that it was this same girl who sat in section C4 completely broken and afraid...and seeing how far the Lord has brought me in less than a year; was definitely overwhelming! What was even more humbling is the fact that I was able to watch the Ministry Team lay themselves and their personal wants and desires down to SERVE and make sure that everything was ready to go and put together for the ministry that they were about to go into for this broken generation. Just knowing how much work went into that one weekend (and it was A LOT!!) just so they could share the love of Christ with teenagers, parents, and youth pastors who were hurting completely brought me to my knees by the end of the event.

I now realize that if it weren't for those who selflessly labored and slaved for that weekend last year, I would not even be here...and I cannot even begin to describe the intense gratefulness that I have for each and every one of them. All I know is that if this is what the Lord is calling me to, I will gladly go. It doesn't matter if I am in the drama...and heck! I don't even care if I lead worship...I just want to touch someone's life in the same way that this ministry has touched mine; even if it is behind the scenes and they never know how much work goes into these weekend events.

So please be praying for me. The Lord has opened the door for roads...and so I will give it my 200% percent...but pray that the Lord's will be done. If He wants me home, then pray He will close the door and that peace will be upon me; the kind that only comes from knowing He is in control.

-Casee

"Worth The Wait"

As I said in the previous post, I was sick in bed during the entire fasting LTE. This wasn't completely a bad thing as I was able to read through old journal entries from my teenage years and on. Lately, I've done a lot of reflecting about my journey over the past 3 years through graduating, leaving home, ending up in an abusive situation, coming out of that, and now, being an intern in an amazing ministry!! Sometimes it makes me feel old, to think that I graduated in 2008 and it is already 2011! Here is a poem from my journal; I started this in the end of 2009 and just finished it this weekend. :) Let me know what you think!

"Worth The Wait"

The pain subsides and all seems clear,

As I get up on my feet.

The storm was long and treacherous,

Through it I couldn't even see.

So many times I called your name,

But the thunder crashed so loud.

Still, you were right there waiting,

To push away the clouds.

You saw the tears fall down my cheek,

As my heart was torn in two.

It killed your heart to watch me hurt,

But yet you always knew...

As the darkness overcame my soul,

And I knew not who I was.

When I felt so robbed of innocence,

Still you'd look on me with love.

You knew one day I'd encounter you,

And it would change my life.

You had faith I'd have the strength to stand,

And not give up the fight.

You were never disappointed,

In mistakes that I had made.

All the while searching,

For love in the wrong place.

For you knew that I'd soon find it,

And you were waiting for the day...

When I'd rest safely in your arms,

As you'd whisper...

"You were worth the wait."

Humility

Hey Friends,

So the past month has not only been a test of my faith, but of my humility as well. As you all know, last semester I had 11 classes total and managed to get by; but not without suffering in other areas of my life. Such as health and relationships. This semester I am actually dropping a couple classes and focusing more on my family core/relationships as well as developing the musical gifts that the Lord has given me.

On top of that, last Tuesday I got sick. REALLY sick. I couldn't keep any food down and had THE worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life. It was like this for a couple days and then we were supposed to start our spring 3-day fasting LTE on Thursday; the day I was supposed to have a check-up probation meeting with the women's discipline manager here at the Honor Academy. Well, going into the meeting, I was extremely out of it and so I spilled the beans about being sick. If you know me, I'm definitely a busy body and am always at work on something. Even over the summer, working 14 hour days was not hard for me; even if I neglected everything else. So, being the crazy woman I am, I didn't tell my manager. Not a good idea. During this meeting, as the conversation quickly snowballed into bringing up past events and hurts in my life that I didn't even know where there, I realized that I put way too much emphasis on my work. It has been a place of security for me in many ways. 1st, when Mom had to go back to work in order to be able to support the family, I kind of took on the role that she would have had if she had been home. Dad was in bed 22 plus hours a day and unable so if I didn't do it while Mom was at work, then who would?

So even though I never realized it until now, I had taken on that mentality and it has shaped who I am; but not in the best way possible. I HATE calling in sick because I feel like I'm failing the company/ministry so I usually just suck it up and carry on; I mean, its not the end of the world if I throw up once, right?
But in that meeting, I came face to face with one of my worst fears: someone putting me in my place. It took Holly (I am SO grateful for this woman!!) telling me straight up that I am going to become a workaholic years into my marriage and neglect the time with my husband and with my children...and her asking if that's what I really wanted to really put things into perspective. Yes, I've been told that I am hard on myself, but how far is too far?

So, I told Anthony (manager) that I was told to return to my room and get some rest. THIS took a lot of humility...I was so afraid of letting the team down! We are on one of the biggest events of the ATF season. We call for Sacramento and our base goal is 8,250 people this year! You can imagine how overwhelming this can be at times.
Anyways, I went back to the room and got some rest thinking that it was the stupidest thing in the world and that I would be better by the next day so I could go to the Fasting LTE sessions at least. WRONG!!! Don't ya know that every time I set my alarm to get up and get ready, it either didn't go off or I didn't remember shutting it off. God works in humorous ways sometimes!

So, to shorten the story, I texted Anthony Saturday to update him as to what was going on with me and he said that we had registered almost 800 people that week and that we were almost 1,000 above what our goal is at the moment!! LOL. And I thought God couldn't do it without MY help...I mean, after all, if I didn't do it, who was going to? Boy, did that teach me something!

So even though I didn't get to fast with the rest of the interns, I was still able to take something SO valuable away from this that I wish I would have learned forever ago!

I CAN'T...but God can.
I've been so afraid of failure that I've let it define me; but in all reality, without HIM...I really DO fail.

Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to be sick so that I was able to FINALLY get it through my head that I am only human and I can only do so much on my own but that I have a God who cares enough to allow me to cast my cares upon Him and is strong enough and big enough to support me in my weaknesses! :)

New Year, New Semester, & More New Beginnings

WOW....sorry it has taken so long to update!

This semester is going to be AMAZING! I had a beautiful Christmas break at home complete with a candle-lit dinner with Dad, lots of shopping/girl time with Mommy, and more than enough video game time with my brothers! :) I even got a surprise visit from my very good friend, Steve. It was SO good to be back at Hamilton Life Church...as it has been a little difficult finding one here that I can adjust to. I'm trying not to be so critical, but you know how that goes...I miss MY church. =p

(My brothers & I over Christmas Break)

Now it is back to the busyness (which, to be quite honest; I LOVE!). I'm refreshed and ready to learn more about the Lord and His plan for my life while falling deeper in love with Him.

Classes started up in full this week; I have 10 this semester...along with I.E.T. (Intensive Elective Training). I can't wait!! :)

Worldview

Missions

Portfolio Papers

Great Books

Risen Women

New Testament Survey

Apologetics

Piano

Worship Leadership 1

Character Development (starts in March)

We also have our mid-year defenses coming up February 7th-9th. A mid-year defense is a time for each intern to go before a few staff members/advisors and give a brief summary of what they have learned so far and why they think they should be allowed to continue on in the internship. It really sets apart who wants to be here and who are just content with getting by (as I'm sure you all have noticed...being an intern is NOT an easy thing). So please be in prayer for that.

I'm hoping to have a little free time this weekend to work on a Norway post complete with video and pictures...but need to have my mid-year defense portfolio completed before anything; so no promises! :(

Love & miss you all!

-Casee