Am I really this crazy??

SO many thoughts running through my mind right now.

Jesus, please give me peace!!

Live Free, Young Padawan!

Ministry Team

As I prepare for mini-roads, I can't help but wonder...

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"Wait a minute! Prepare?"

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Is that even possible? Am I even supposed to be "prepared"?

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True, I am supposed to strive for excellence; but is stressing out about tomorrow, really how I'm called to respond? Doesn't it say in Matthew to not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough worries of it's own?" or "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

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Then I got to thinking about how I'm such a planner. Yes, you know the type; I like to know what's going on when and if anything changes, God forbid you tell me last minute! Last minute things confuse me and put me on edge.

Yet, somehow as I started typing this out, the Lord gave me a HUGE revelation.

Maybe my life isn't supposed to make sense and I'm not supposed to "have it all together". If I did, then I would be perfect...and therefore, I would not need direction or guidance from the Lord. I've always been a dreamer and call me crazy; but I believe that I was made that way for a reason. I was made this way...with this "childlike" innocence...for a reason. Some see it as irresponsible as I tend to go on a whim with some things. Yet, if the Lord made me this way; wouldn't He have made me this way because He knew I would respond the same way when He called me to do something? I love adventure; but I've always been afraid to step out in faith on that because of what people will think.

Yet, I want to. I want to be the girl that is so in love with Jesus that will leave all reasoning behind...just to surrender to His will. Whether that be the opinions of other people, finances, or circumstance. I want to LIVE FREE!!

My point? If I truly believed my God was big enough; I would live outrageously...regardless of life itself.

Refinement

Dear Jesus,


I think I'm FINALLY starting to understand the term "Beauty in Brokenness". It's such a bittersweet feeling; to be humbled at the foot of the cross. When everything I ever thought I was or hoped to become is stripped away and I realize my true identity is in you and THROUGH you. Without you, I have nothing. Without you I AM nothing. Without you...I have no reason to live. Jesus...BE MY EVERYTHING. All the worldly things that I used to treasure in my heart seem to fade into the background as I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. May I always burn for you inside...may my heart always be close to your fire! Lord, let me never grow apathetic again to your words, to your love, TO YOUR HEART. I want to dance with you for hours in fields of wildflowers. I want to rest in your arms, completely safe and sound. I want to always know who I am in you and know that I no longer have to be afraid. It is here that I'm loved. It is here that I'm cherished. It is here that I'm FREE to be ME! Thank you for loving me even when I don't deserve it. There is nothing I can do to earn your love; I don't have to BE anything but myself...I don't have to TRY to become what I think I should be. Thank you, Daddy. I love you.

Forever yours,
Your little princess

Perspective: Epic Fail...or Lesson Learned?

My life...has been anything but ordinary the past 12 years or so. Sometimes I look back (especially recently) and I wonder; if I had done things differently would I be a better person. It's so easy to look back and have regrets...but it takes a strong individual who has just been knocked down to say "Hey, that was a silly mistake; how can I do things differently to prevent it FROM happening again?"...and get back up.

And this is what the Lord is teaching me...in so many aspects of my life. I've always been a perfectionist, a people-pleaser, and an independent woman. I've always had the mindset, "If I don't do it, it just won't get done." And so I work at something...until it either becomes my life 24/7 or a make myself sick over it and then deny that I'm doing so.

In an earlier post, I covered this a little bit; but it's just something that the Lord continues to bring up in my life.

It is no secret that a year at the Honor Academy is challenging and I figured I've been through a lot emotionally over the past 12 years...how bad could it possibly be? "I'm strong enough after everything I've gone through...this year has nothing on me."

WRONG. While recently I've been meeting with Mary Beth Hasz (one of the most amazing and wisest women I've ever met!), I'm recently learning that I've always run from my problems instead of working through them. That's not strength; that's being a coward! Yet, in order for me to come off to others as a "strong" woman...I've covered these flaws up by pushing myself harder whether in academics or ministry placement. I did amazing last semester. I took every single class and only got one B...and I felt like I was on top of the world in my ministry placement. I started learning how to have better conversations on the phone and I really learned how to love being a people person and helping people in customer service. Only one problem: as time went on...and I fell more in love with Jesus; he took me to deeper levels that I've never experienced before.

What's wrong with that you might say? Well...it can be an amazing thing! BUT...in order to go deeper...you have to take in the good with the bad. There is a hefty price paid for going deeper. As He breaks down the walls around my heart that I've built up over the years...brick by brick; under each layer is a piece of my past that I've tucked away somehow and forgotten about. All the while, I've allowed it to shape who I am by either forming thoughts about myself or people that aren't true. Painful things...that I just thought were a normal part of life; emotionally and spiritually. Yes, we are going to struggle with things..but the simple truth is; WE DON'T HAVE TO IF WE WOULD JUST RENEW OUR MINDS WITH SCRIPTURE! It sounds SO silly, but one thing I've learned is that you have SO much control over the negative things in your life...like your thoughts. Yeah, its easier to give in; but its SO much more worth it to battle it out...even if it takes tears. ;)

As these things are being revealed...its effecting my grades and how I function. Which, to me...the perfectionist...is extremely frustrating! Yet maybe I'm not here to get straight A's (yes, of course I'm going to strive for it!), or be the best in every single thing that I do (one thing I'm learning is that there is ALWAYS going to be someone that can do something better than you...this is extremely humbling by the way!)...if I go through this year acting so strong; not letting anything effect me...then why am I here? What is the point of taking any class that I'm taking...and getting an A; if I don't put it into practice??

As some of you know, I took a week and a half break from the Honor Academy. During this; I missed main roads and, yes, Satan has tormented me with the thought that I've missed out on something huge. But ya know what? The past two weeks were SO refreshing in so many ways, I couldn't even express to you in a blog how much my perspective has changed.

One of the core nights that we've had here at the HA, consisted of staring into a mirror; into your own eyes...and writing down every thought that comes to mind. I decided to give this another try on my own at home. What I saw disturbed me. I looked so tired & worn out, there was anger, I looked depressed, and extremely overwhelmed. I hardly recognized myself. Here I was at the Honor Academy....trying SO hard to be the "perfect" Christian girl who everybody was SO proud of...yet, I wasn't being ME. I've been missing the whole point. Yes, God wants us to strive for Godly things...so we can be intimate with Him. BUT...really? He is already in love with everything we are; inside and out.

As I finished getting ready evening and left the house for a short drive before I met up with friends...I heard the most comforting words I think I've heard in a long time from the Lord. "Casee, just stop. Stop trying so hard. I want you just the way you are." Yes, we have quiet times at the Honor Academy...yes, we have classes on how to hear God's voice more clearly. Yet sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of trying to be a good person and we think the more involved we are or more scripture we read; we'll impress either people or God. That couldn't be further from the truth. He wants to walk through the fire with you; not wait until you are already refined to be with Him. His love for us is not measured by the number of calls we make in a day, if we fail to turn in homework or not, or whether we get so stressed out that we make a fool out of ourselves by losing grip of our emotions; we are qualified to be His in those little imperfections...and he wants to walk hand in hand with us, even if it does take baby steps to get where we're going.

So when I look back and see how I've "failed" in certain areas...is it going to bother me? I could let it...or I could see it as a way to admit that I was wrong, learn from my mistakes, humble myself and let Jesus help me back up, and last but not least, accept His love and mercy daily as I struggle with these things. I'm learning that a perfectionist is a VERY prideful individual...and it makes it very hard for me to accept help, not just from other people; but I put walls up so easily between my Savior and I when I refuse to accept his grace because somehow I think I can do things on my own. Forget that! I'm done with holding on to my pride; true strength comes from true faith. God I trust in YOU and YOUR abilities...not mine!

Emotional Drama Queen...Or Just Crazii Little Me??

They say that you shouldn't regret anything that has made you who you are today; but sometimes I wonder how it's possible to look at things in such a positive light all of the time. Sure, everyone has their good days and bad days...but how do you keep the joy of the Lord in sight when LIFE is thrown at you? I realize that had I not been through certain circumstances and learned from them, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't realize my need for a Saviour; yet at the same time, I often wish I could take everything back and do it over again...just so I could live without the pain.

In one of my recent meetings with Mary Beth Hasz (I love this woman so much!), she took me through a process which consisted of "breaking soul ties" and speaking out against anything in my past that I've overlooked and has kept me from being intimate with the Lord. We went through each and every sin one by one and I was fine with speaking the words "I forgive myself and let go of (you fill in the act)..." until we reached the guilt and condemnation part. I don't think I've ever hesitated or choked up more at trying to speak a few words.

I've also heard it said that most of the time, forgiving yourself is the hardest part. This is SO true...yes, I've had to forgive some people that have caused very big wounds in my heart, but I think so often, when I remind myself that forgiveness is a choice; I forget to include myself in those "choices". Guilt & condemnation are two of the biggest things that Satan can hold above someone's head and I'm definitely figuring that out lately.

Yes, I've made some stupid decisions in my life...and yes, they've caused problems. However, everything is NOT my fault and just because I've made mistakes, "got a couple dents in my fender, and a couple rips in my jeans"; doesn't mean that the Lord views me that way. So why should I believe a lie? If I'm being honest, sometimes this is a battle of the mind and soul that turns into a physical one. One of my biggest frustrations is that I can't show anger, frustration, sadness, or even joy sometimes; I cry. Over everything. It's something I've tried to work on, but that's just how I'm wired.

So what if can't be 200% joyful all the time or I'm not quite ready to go into ministry yet? Are people going to think less of me? Maybe. Are people going to label me a cry baby or emotional drama queen? Probably. Does it make me any less "Christian"? Definitely not! The Lord is bigger than my circumstances and I know He's not through refining me yet and as hard as it is to convince myself of these things, I am willing to do what it takes though to stand back up. Yes, I've got scripture and you bet I'm gonna use it...BUT sometimes you just have to fight with your tears...and that's okay too!

Lord, give me strength!

I am drained.

Mentally.

Spiritually.

Physically.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

I need a break.

Period.

"Into Your Hands, I Commit My Spirit..."

"As Graduate Interns we have responded to the call to aggressively and passionately pursue our own self-development and that of each individual within our sphere of influence.

It is our responsibility to clearly mark the path enabling others to follow as we follow the example of Christ. We are perfectly united in mind and though, standing in one spirit, contending as one man, proclaiming Christ as one voice to this generation. Our leadership is based on a selfless sense of duty that demands that we surpass what is expected of ourselves and of those whom we serve. We were designed for accomplishment, intended for success and endowed with seeds of greatness. We are not limited by the place of birth, color of our skin, but the size of our hope and faith in God. We now live by His presence, we lean on His faith, we love by patience, we lift by prayer and labor by power.

Challenges ahead will frequently bring pain, but pain is temporary while growth is permanent. We believe that those challenges will form the strongest moral foundation that will produce the leaders who best reflect the legacy of the Honor Academy. This is our conviction and true commitment to ourselves and to God from which WE WILL NOT BACK DOWN."

The Honor Academy's Graduate Intern program definitely has many options to choose from....but which one (if any at all) is a perfect fit for ME??

It is now that time of year in the internship that every single one of us has either been dreading or waiting for in anticipation with hopes that God will soon reveal to us what His plans are for the next steps in our lives.

At the beginning of the year I was so set on staying a second year in The School of Worship...and then after that, moving on to yet my THIRD and final year at TeenMania.

Yep, I had it all planned out.

Until...the Lord started revealing to me that, despite what I'd convinced myself of my entire life...I DO have something to offer in one on one ministry. When I was younger (before my crazy side came out), I had always dreamed of working with teenage girls; crazy, I know...because I was like 10! BUT with everything I've been through and dealt with both in my teenage years and rebellious years; I've learned A LOT. Granted...the Lord is DEFINITELY not through with me yet, but He is bringing a lot of healing and restoration which I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was all to prepare and equip me for my future.

Some may argue that such a good and loving God would NEVER make His children go through the things I've had to deal with; which is TRUE. BUT I know that while He doesn't CAUSE bad things to happen to us, our choices do...and He allows us to experience the results of our actions because He loves us and He knows it will bring us closer to Him in the end.

‎"I will make a wholehearted effort to show the love and mercy of Christ by loving & serving unconditionally and I will seek out younger women to mentor in faith & integrity while helping them discover their beauty, potential, & value in their heavenly prince, Jesus."

-My Mission Statement

With all of this being said, the Lord has asked me to lay down music for the next season of my life (don't worry, I'm still going to develop my talents)...and He's been asking this of me since the beginning of January. I'll admit, The School of Worship program has been an AMAZING opportunity...and its not an easy thing He is asking of me. ESPECIALLY, considering I'm just getting back into music after giving it up for two years. I have the opportunity to write music, play in prayer room bands, and record demos...and I realize its not everyday that you are given an opportunity like that! But could it be that I've put WAY too much emphasis on the talents the Lord has given me and taken all the credit for myself...leaving Him completely out of the picture?? Its been about what "I can sing"...or "I can play"...and yet I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Him. I'm beginning to realize I've had pride that I didn't even know was there; oh what a beautiful thing to be sweetly broken at the foot of the cross.

The real reason He wants me to lay it down is because He has made it VERY clear that He wants me to focus on being a servant. Now what that consists of? I'm not quite sure to be honest with you.

I was accepted down School of Worship & Ministry Team roads.

School of Worship will have to wait; if I don't have the Lord's blessing, why do it? It would be all out of selfish ambitions.

I'm still praying about Ministry Team roads for sure though. I recently went home (sort of) to Nashville, TN. on SWAT for the Acquire the Fire event that took place. Just knowing that it was this same girl who sat in section C4 completely broken and afraid...and seeing how far the Lord has brought me in less than a year; was definitely overwhelming! What was even more humbling is the fact that I was able to watch the Ministry Team lay themselves and their personal wants and desires down to SERVE and make sure that everything was ready to go and put together for the ministry that they were about to go into for this broken generation. Just knowing how much work went into that one weekend (and it was A LOT!!) just so they could share the love of Christ with teenagers, parents, and youth pastors who were hurting completely brought me to my knees by the end of the event.

I now realize that if it weren't for those who selflessly labored and slaved for that weekend last year, I would not even be here...and I cannot even begin to describe the intense gratefulness that I have for each and every one of them. All I know is that if this is what the Lord is calling me to, I will gladly go. It doesn't matter if I am in the drama...and heck! I don't even care if I lead worship...I just want to touch someone's life in the same way that this ministry has touched mine; even if it is behind the scenes and they never know how much work goes into these weekend events.

So please be praying for me. The Lord has opened the door for roads...and so I will give it my 200% percent...but pray that the Lord's will be done. If He wants me home, then pray He will close the door and that peace will be upon me; the kind that only comes from knowing He is in control.

-Casee