I'm going to try and get my thoughts down here and I'm sorry if they seem jumbled or not very clear; like I said, it's been a very weird time for me.
Quiet times - I have found it extremely hard to find time throughout my days to have a quiet time. I'm just getting plugged into a bible study at my church with a wonderful group of women so it helps to have accountability...but I feel like a lot of my quiet times lately have been me + A LOT of tears and desperate prayers. It's really weird for me. Yes, I am an emotional woman and I'm destined to feel this way sometimes...but I've always kind of been the one that people come to for advice or even a shoulder to just cry on (not meaning for that to sound prideful at all, by the way...this is just how it's always been.), but lately I've been the one who needs it. Maybe the Lord is teaching me humility in a weird sort of way? Or is there something greater to come from all of this? I don't feel like I'm in a "dry" spot at all...the Lord is definitely speaking to me about numerous things through different ways, so I don't know what my deal is...but it's just....weird? That's the only way I can think to describe it. Maybe the Lord will reveal an underlying issue soon.
Friends - *sigh* This is a really, really hard one for me. I miss my class...and my sisters...A LOT. It's difficult when you are surrounded by people who share the same passion as you and who have gone through the best and worst of your character qualities with you...still love you and pray for you and they aren't there to hang out with. Not that the friends I have are bad (if you're reading this and you're feeling hurt...please don't. These aren't my intentions at all. These are just my thoughts being put down in my way of processing.), it's just different. Really different.
I just really miss my interns...A LOT.
Work - I am working two jobs at the moment; Dippin' Dots Ice Cream & Bright Beginnings Academy. I've worked at Dippin' Dots at Hamilton Place Mall for the past 4 years on and off come November...I wish I could quit, but it's income until my Norway trip...so praise the Lord for it anyways! :) However...working at the preschool is AWESOME!!! For the majority of my time there, I've worked in the two's room. I thought it would be super stressful (nobody usually likes this room) and I would be so tired after working...but I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH! Yes, I'm EXHAUSTED after my work week, but it's a good tired; a meaningful tired. I mean it when I say that my babies at the preschool in Florida were the only thing that kept me alive at that point in my life and though I'm not in the exact same place I was two years ago, the Lord definitely blesses me with these kids! There is nothing like walking in and being bombarded with hugs and kisses in the morning or changing poop-filled pull-ups and walking out deaf because of all the noise you deal with all day long....but every single moment I spend in that place is worth it - whether or not I get a paycheck.
School - No college at the moment. This has been something I've wrestled with for a while now. I'll be 22 on the 26th and I feel frustrated with myself that most of my friends have either graduated college or will be this year around. I know that it was my own fault I didn't go when I had the chance in Florida...but looking back? I had no idea what I wanted to do...and the Lord knew that. Everything is working out now...I'm just waiting on the Lord to give me the okay to start. I want to go for nursing and eventually work with the medical side of human-trafficking. Specifically young women have been laid on my heart...especially this past year, but any human-trafficking would be awesome! Had I gone to school a few years ago, I never would have heard from the Lord on His will for my life...and who knows where I would be!! =0
Boys...or Men? - Hmmm...last, but definitely not least, this is what has been on my mind since a couple of weeks after I arrived at home. I am being super vulnerable with you all right now and I'm not sure why, but alas...if you are still reading this blog, I apologize for the length but stick with me and I'll give you a sticker! =p
First...I just want to say that it is so much harder than I remember, trying to stay pure...not just in the physical sense...but mentally and emotionally as well, in a world FULL of Satanic influences.
*Gasp* She brought out the "S word"!
Yep, I did. Because they CERTAINLY aren't of Christ.
WHAT in the world am I talking about? Music...media...parents (not mine...just in general)...friends....the internet....all of the above!
Yes, I was told I was going to get a culture shock...but this is way beyond anything I imagined being possible. Satan has his hand in so many ways of influence...it's not even funny, you guys! Music in particular, that's a super hard one for me. Even songs that I thought were considered "innocent" are all about love, heart-breaks, and revenge. It makes me SO sad to go back and listen to what were some of my favorite songs...and be convicted by the Holy Spirit. This stuff is not okay. It's no wonder that I felt the need to rebel, chase a boy, and move out so young. (Not that I'm passing blame...but I am talking about influences here.) There is a spiritual battle going on for the hearts of people around you everyday...and it's only getting worse. Am I condemning people for listening to it? No; but I STRONGLY advise against it. It may be "innocent" enough to listen to Taylor Swift (I very thoroughly enjoy listening to her), but even after a few "innocent" love songs...I have to be sure to guard my mind and remind myself that the Lord knows who I'm going to marry and I don't need to go chasing after love in the wrong places for a desire that, yes, He has given to me...but that He himself wants to fill so that I am a whole woman when that time comes. Anyways...that's my input on music.
As far as relationships go, I'm in a "weird" place. (Yes, I'll continue to use this word for lack of a better one...all these things I'm experiencing are new to me lately.) The desire for a relationship is so strong right now, it's crazy. I am almost 22. I am ready to move on and start my "life". But then I think..."wait a minute, who defines life as graduating, going to college, finding a man, getting married, buying a house, and having kids?" Hmmmm...ummmm. THE WORLD. Don't get me wrong; NONE of these desires or things are bad. A lot of Godly people I know are in college or graduated, married and have kids. I'm not condemning anybody for it. But is it what the Lord wants FOR ME? I know the Lord has something in store for me...I don't know what it is yet, but I know it's going to happen soon. It's something that He keeps telling me...to wait for. It's been hard, I've been getting this for about a year and a half now and I have yet to find out what it is. But I know it's gonna be good. However, I know I am to remain single for that time. That I do know. Which is hard; REALLY hard.
With all this, I will conclude with a song by the artist, Flame. He is AWESOME! I highly recommend him...He is super down to earth and I have listened to and support his lyrics. There is one song I keep listening to in particular (Move) though lately, and a part of it says: (I've attached the video at the very bottom...listen to it!!!)
"You in that relationship,
Do you plan to marry her?
Love her like CHRIST loves the Church
Till you bury her?
You in that relationship,
Do you plan to marry him?
Submit to him like you are the church
Or just worry him?
If you're not then back it up
Flee the temptation!
You can spend your singleness
Witnessing to the nations
You, don’t you compromise
Stand firm with it though
Keep your eyes on the Christ
Even if you feeling low.
Yes I know its hard though,
Plus, I understand it.
But JESUS says If You Love Me
Then You’ll Keep My Commandments.
Yes I know it’s scary though,
Plus, I understand it.
But JESUS says If You Love Me
Then You’ll Keep My Commandments."
Do you plan to marry her?
Love her like CHRIST loves the Church
Till you bury her?
You in that relationship,
Do you plan to marry him?
Submit to him like you are the church
Or just worry him?
If you're not then back it up
Flee the temptation!
You can spend your singleness
Witnessing to the nations
You, don’t you compromise
Stand firm with it though
Keep your eyes on the Christ
Even if you feeling low.
Yes I know its hard though,
Plus, I understand it.
But JESUS says If You Love Me
Then You’ll Keep My Commandments.
Yes I know it’s scary though,
Plus, I understand it.
But JESUS says If You Love Me
Then You’ll Keep My Commandments."
This song (crazy, I know...but I'm a very musical person - hence going to the School of Worship) has really put things into perspective for me. The Lord is still walking me through healing processes even from two years ago and I've had to "redeem" a lot of places, songs, or memories; so I know for this reason alone, that I am not ready yet. So I will wait. I will wait because the Lord is still healing my heart and I want to be a whole person on that day. I will wait because the Lord has called me to "use my singleness witnessing to the nations". And I will wait...BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT.
