Wow. It has been quite a while since I've actually posted a blog. Needless to say, my life has been nothing short of...absolutely and undeniably INSANE since I returned home in August.
♥Major Happenings at The End of 2011♥
♥ The Lord lead me in a different direction than I thought I would go, which led to...
♥ Confirmation of full-time ministry and the meeting of my man & gift from God, Nathan.
♥ I accepted a full-time lead teacher position and now teach older two year-olds (& I LOVE it!)
♥ I returned to Norway to minister through worship evangelism with The School of Worship & received more confirmation about full-time ministry.
♥ Returned home to spend the holidays with my crazy, but beautiful family...and now?
♥ I'm right where I'm supposed to be...in a season of WAITING.
In one of the last blogs I'd written...the Lord had brought me to a place where I was completely satisfied with Him and only Him. It didn't matter what life was going to throw my way...I was ready.
Until...
The Lord started stirring things up in my heart that I had tucked away...things I thought that I had already dealt with. Unfortunately, something that's always been natural for me to do when conflict arises...is RUN. I HATE confrontation...so if I pretend I can't see it or ignore it completely, then I don't have to deal with it...and that's perfectly fine with me.
Or is it?
Is letting my heart grow cold to certain people or things really the best way to handle it? I thought so. Until God started revealing to me (A LOT lately), just how damaging this can be; not only to my mind and the way I view things, but to the people I love and our relationships as well.
So what about healing? Why can't God just instantly take the memories away? Why can't He just take everything I'm feeling away? The hurt, the anger, the bitterness? I've prayed for this...I WANT healing. I'm standing here with open arms, ready to receive. Some days I feel like I'm making progress...like I'm taking a giant step forward. Then other days I feel that I've completely stopped walking...or I've fallen three steps back. So what's the issue?
"God, please...just make it all go away."
"God, why does this still hurt me so badly?"
"Casee...beloved. Healing is a process."
"But Lord, I thought I'd already gone through the healing process."
"Who says the healing process was only supposed to take a year? Casee...you are right where you're supposed to be...even when you don't feel like you are."
So here I am; In a huge season of waiting on God's next step for me...and within this process? Healing. It's not been the most exciting season to walk through or experience...and it has definitely brought out some pretty ugly stuff usually followed by hours upon hours of tears.
But...This life is not about me. God has a divine purpose and plan to use what I've been through, so I will keep surrendering this to Him and let Him reveal what it is that I need to learn, what He has for me...AND the future ministry that will happen in young women's lives; one day...when this is over. :)
So besides trying to raise support, I haven't posted a blog since I've been home. A lot has been going on spiritually for me and so I have even been trying to get all my thoughts together for myself. Life is definitely not the same that it has been for the past year. I would hear people say that I lived in a Teen Mania bubble and that I needed to prepare myself for the culture shock I would get when I graduated and came home. I guess I didn't take them seriously enough. It is completely different!
I'm going to try and get my thoughts down here and I'm sorry if they seem jumbled or not very clear; like I said, it's been a very weird time for me.
Quiet times - I have found it extremely hard to find time throughout my days to have a quiet time. I'm just getting plugged into a bible study at my church with a wonderful group of women so it helps to have accountability...but I feel like a lot of my quiet times lately have been me + A LOT of tears and desperate prayers. It's really weird for me. Yes, I am an emotional woman and I'm destined to feel this way sometimes...but I've always kind of been the one that people come to for advice or even a shoulder to just cry on (not meaning for that to sound prideful at all, by the way...this is just how it's always been.), but lately I've been the one who needs it. Maybe the Lord is teaching me humility in a weird sort of way? Or is there something greater to come from all of this? I don't feel like I'm in a "dry" spot at all...the Lord is definitely speaking to me about numerous things through different ways, so I don't know what my deal is...but it's just....weird? That's the only way I can think to describe it. Maybe the Lord will reveal an underlying issue soon.
Friends - *sigh* This is a really, really hard one for me. I miss my class...and my sisters...A LOT. It's difficult when you are surrounded by people who share the same passion as you and who have gone through the best and worst of your character qualities with you...still love you and pray for you and they aren't there to hang out with. Not that the friends I have are bad (if you're reading this and you're feeling hurt...please don't. These aren't my intentions at all. These are just my thoughts being put down in my way of processing.), it's just different. Really different.
I just really miss my interns...A LOT.
Work - I am working two jobs at the moment; Dippin' Dots Ice Cream & Bright Beginnings Academy. I've worked at Dippin' Dots at Hamilton Place Mall for the past 4 years on and off come November...I wish I could quit, but it's income until my Norway trip...so praise the Lord for it anyways! :) However...working at the preschool is AWESOME!!! For the majority of my time there, I've worked in the two's room. I thought it would be super stressful (nobody usually likes this room) and I would be so tired after working...but I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH! Yes, I'm EXHAUSTED after my work week, but it's a good tired; a meaningful tired. I mean it when I say that my babies at the preschool in Florida were the only thing that kept me alive at that point in my life and though I'm not in the exact same place I was two years ago, the Lord definitely blesses me with these kids! There is nothing like walking in and being bombarded with hugs and kisses in the morning or changing poop-filled pull-ups and walking out deaf because of all the noise you deal with all day long....but every single moment I spend in that place is worth it - whether or not I get a paycheck.
School - No college at the moment. This has been something I've wrestled with for a while now. I'll be 22 on the 26th and I feel frustrated with myself that most of my friends have either graduated college or will be this year around. I know that it was my own fault I didn't go when I had the chance in Florida...but looking back? I had no idea what I wanted to do...and the Lord knew that. Everything is working out now...I'm just waiting on the Lord to give me the okay to start. I want to go for nursing and eventually work with the medical side of human-trafficking. Specifically young women have been laid on my heart...especially this past year, but any human-trafficking would be awesome! Had I gone to school a few years ago, I never would have heard from the Lord on His will for my life...and who knows where I would be!! =0
Boys...or Men? - Hmmm...last, but definitely not least, this is what has been on my mind since a couple of weeks after I arrived at home. I am being super vulnerable with you all right now and I'm not sure why, but alas...if you are still reading this blog, I apologize for the length but stick with me and I'll give you a sticker! =p
First...I just want to say that it is so much harder than I remember, trying to stay pure...not just in the physical sense...but mentally and emotionally as well, in a world FULL of Satanic influences.
*Gasp* She brought out the "S word"!
Yep, I did. Because they CERTAINLY aren't of Christ.
WHAT in the world am I talking about? Music...media...parents (not mine...just in general)...friends....the internet....all of the above!
Yes, I was told I was going to get a culture shock...but this is way beyond anything I imagined being possible. Satan has his hand in so many ways of influence...it's not even funny, you guys! Music in particular, that's a super hard one for me. Even songs that I thought were considered "innocent" are all about love, heart-breaks, and revenge. It makes me SO sad to go back and listen to what were some of my favorite songs...and be convicted by the Holy Spirit. This stuff is not okay. It's no wonder that I felt the need to rebel, chase a boy, and move out so young. (Not that I'm passing blame...but I am talking about influences here.) There is a spiritual battle going on for the hearts of people around you everyday...and it's only getting worse. Am I condemning people for listening to it? No; but I STRONGLY advise against it. It may be "innocent" enough to listen to Taylor Swift (I very thoroughly enjoy listening to her), but even after a few "innocent" love songs...I have to be sure to guard my mind and remind myself that the Lord knows who I'm going to marry and I don't need to go chasing after love in the wrong places for a desire that, yes, He has given to me...but that He himself wants to fill so that I am a whole woman when that time comes. Anyways...that's my input on music.
As far as relationships go, I'm in a "weird" place. (Yes, I'll continue to use this word for lack of a better one...all these things I'm experiencing are new to me lately.) The desire for a relationship is so strong right now, it's crazy. I am almost 22. I am ready to move on and start my "life". But then I think..."wait a minute, who defines life as graduating, going to college, finding a man, getting married, buying a house, and having kids?" Hmmmm...ummmm. THE WORLD. Don't get me wrong; NONE of these desires or things are bad. A lot of Godly people I know are in college or graduated, married and have kids. I'm not condemning anybody for it. But is it what the Lord wants FOR ME? I know the Lord has something in store for me...I don't know what it is yet, but I know it's going to happen soon. It's something that He keeps telling me...to wait for. It's been hard, I've been getting this for about a year and a half now and I have yet to find out what it is. But I know it's gonna be good. However, I know I am to remain single for that time. That I do know. Which is hard; REALLY hard.
With all this, I will conclude with a song by the artist, Flame. He is AWESOME! I highly recommend him...He is super down to earth and I have listened to and support his lyrics. There is one song I keep listening to in particular (Move) though lately, and a part of it says: (I've attached the video at the very bottom...listen to it!!!)
"You in that relationship, Do you plan to marry her? Love her like CHRIST loves the Church Till you bury her?
You in that relationship, Do you plan to marry him? Submit to him like you are the church Or just worry him?
If you're not then back it up Flee the temptation! You can spend your singleness Witnessing to the nations
You, don’t you compromise Stand firm with it though Keep your eyes on the Christ Even if you feeling low.
Yes I know its hard though, Plus, I understand it. But JESUS says If You Love Me Then You’ll Keep My Commandments.
Yes I know it’s scary though, Plus, I understand it. But JESUS says If You Love Me Then You’ll Keep My Commandments."
This song (crazy, I know...but I'm a very musical person - hence going to the School of Worship) has really put things into perspective for me. The Lord is still walking me through healing processes even from two years ago and I've had to "redeem" a lot of places, songs, or memories; so I know for this reason alone, that I am not ready yet. So I will wait. I will wait because the Lord is still healing my heart and I want to be a whole person on that day. I will wait because the Lord has called me to "use my singleness witnessing to the nations". And I will wait...BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT.
I am excited to announce that I will be returning to Norway on a mission trip November 8th-25th. I will be joining a team of other Honor Academy interns representing the School of Worship as we travel across Norway. This trip is a very unique trip as we will be putting on concerts & ministering through music, drama, & dance. We will be on a bus touring to different cities in Norway such as: Borkenes, Levanger, Bergen, Alesund, & Oslo.
Our Team in Harstad for a Prayer & Worship Conference
Our ministry tool is worship evangelism, taking Jesus at His words in John 12:32 when he said “If I be lifted up, I will draw all men unto me.” I believe as we lift up the name of Jesus in praise & worship throughout Norway, God’s presence will draw the lost & bring healing to broken hearts. As you may have heard about the recent shooting & bomb that occurred in Oslo, this affected the nation drastically. They have not had any huge violent occurrences since WWII. We will be bringing the hope & love of Jesus Christ to the Norwegians, so they may turn to God in this time of despair.
Harstad, Norway 2010
Many people over look Europe as a mission field, yet only 4% of Europe are Evangelical Christians while Africa holds 18% & Latin America 30% where we send most of ourmissionaries. Europe is in need of a revival as many of them have cold hearts and have turned away from God with an Agnostic world view.
I went on this trip last year and it drastically changed my life. I went because I knew the Lord wanted me to, never knowing what part I was supposed to play on the team...and I came back with a confidence in Christ of knowing exactly who I was and what He had called me to. During my intern year, the Lord kept bringing up the key phrase “Darkness into Light”. These words have not only summed up a huge part of what I've experienced, but they are a testimony to what Christ has done in my life and the hope that I have been given to share with the people of Norway.
Myself in Bergen with 2 Beautiful Women, Karen & Karoline
I am asking you to consider partnering with me on this trip. I will need financial & prayer support as I will be diligently working on fundraising. The cost of this trip is $2500 which includes all the expenses of traveling, food, & lodging. I have some deadlines to meet to have raised so I am able to go: Sept 19th- $1600, Oct 3- $2000, Oct 17- $2500
You can donate to my trip online by going to www.honoracdemy.com/donate and type in my ID #: 2606074. If you would like to mail me a check you can write the check out to Teen Mania Ministries for a tax-deductible and send it to:
Honor Academy
ATTN: Finance
PO Box 2000
Garden Valley, TX 75771 USA
*Please be sure to print a donation coupon at the Honor Academy website as well as put my ID number at the bottom.
As this trip has become an annual School of Worship trip, feel free to check out videos and testimonies of what God has done in Norway the previous years to get an idea of what I’ll be doing on this trip by going to: www.sownorwaytrip.blogspot.com
Please email me at the email below to let me know if you’d like to partner with me & with what amount so I can be assured to meet the deadlines.
As you all know, I went on a missions trip to Norway this past November for worship evangelism and we lifted up the name of Jesus all across this beautiful land! It was the first time I had received visions from the Lord and was able to see God fulfill what He said He was going to do in numerous ways on this trip.
As of two weeks ago, I was signed up for the trip...but had been praying and praying for it for several weeks. I didn't get a clear "yes" like I did last year...however...neither did I receive a "no" either.
I am coming back to TeenMania in January to be on the ministry team and so it is going to cost $3600 for my second year here. I had figured that since I didn't get a clear yes, I would just save the $2500 that was needed for the trip...and put it towards my second year so I could at least have half of it paid for.
So I e-mailed the SOW office and told them I would not be going.
Since that point...I have NOT been able to stop thinking about Norway and the Lord has definitely put a passion in my heart to go again. Not because I want to go, but because this nation is a dark nation, and it needs to be shown the light and love of Christ.
The 450.00 deposit was due yesterday for this trip. I have $140 so far and am standing in faith that I will receive the rest and the Lord wants me to return in November.
I know it is last minute...but I am looking for people to sponsor me or donate towards this trip. Even if it's five dollars...I will be truly grateful! I will be working when I get home and I know that I will be able to get the money, but to secure my spot...the deposit is due ASAP! Please help me minister to these people...especially after the recent attacks in Oslo!
If you are interested in helping...please call me @ 352-287-1737.
"For He has chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." - Ephesians 1:4
Whew! Huge revelation or what?? No? Let me break it down a bit more.
God...
CHOSE us...(yes, me and you!)
BEFORE THE CREATION OF THE WORLD!
This means...we are CHOSEN.
Before every single happening in the Bible - God chose you! He knew who you were going to be - your personality, your hair, your eyes, your interests, your passions...everything about who you would become; and He still CHOSE you. BEFORE the creation of the world. Before Adam and Eve. Before Moses. Before King David. Before the birth of Jesus. HE. CHOSE. YOU.
For some reason this just blew my mind this morning. If I could hold on to this truth through every season of my life...I would no longer need anything of the world to satisfy my heart...for I have found true satisfaction in my heavenly prince!
Think about it.
He knows EVERYTHING about me. My wants, my desires, my needs, what calms me down on a stressful day, what my favorite movie is, what I need to hear when I'm down, and even the moments where I don't know how I'm feeling and I just need chocolate.
Maybe it's stalkerish...or maybe it's love.
Have you ever wanted something so badly and no matter how much YOU willed it to happen, you knew it never would?
The Lord has been taking me through a very painful yet refining season the past couple of months and I've really been wrestling with Him and questioning a lot as to why things are happening the way that they are. I've even been dealing with the life's big questions when I THOUGHT I had them all figured out (for the most part anyways). Things like, "What is my calling in life?", "Does God REALLY have something planned for me?", and "Where will I be in 5, 10, 20 years?".
Here I am...almost 22 years old and I feel like a failure because I don't have everything all figured out. The Sanguine part of me tends to dream A LOT...and I long for a life of adventure; never knowing what's coming next, being able to drop everything and do what the Lord asks, moving on a last minute's notice to somewhere I never thought I would...all because my life would be 200% spirit-led.
Then my Melancholic side loves plans and a set schedule. I like to have things squared away months before they happen & I love seeing how much I can accomplish in one day, week, or month just so I can cross them off of my homemade 'To Do List'. I get frustrated with mis-communications and changes so easily.
So where's the balance? Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind...I almost never make sense to people and I am not easy to figure out by any means. I can blog so easy sometimes...then others it's hard and I get frustrated because I can't put anything into words due to extreme passion. I love being around people one second, then the next - you better get away from me or I'm gonna blow up! I hate making plans but I love being adventurous and spontaneous. Sometimes I can multi-task...and other days I'm just plain distracted.
If you look at both definitions, you will see that they cannot possibly work together. Unless...THE LORD CREATED ME THE WAY I AM FOR A VERY SPECIFIC PURPOSE.
I know that I'm passionate about several things...but how do they all tie together? Or do they? Am I meant to do all of them in my lifetime...or will I have to give something up? Remembering back to when I was in the Chattanooga area, I recall getting this overwhelming joy in my heart at the most random times...and I somehow knew that it was the Lord's way of telling me that He had something huge planned....but I just didn't know what yet. Throughout this year, I've gotten deeper passions for infants & toddlers, young women who have been sex-trafficked, and music. But now I'm finishing off my intern year at the Honor Academy and I haven't felt that overwhelming feeling in a very long time.
I know that just because I can't feel it, doesn't mean that it's not still true. Yet sometimes, like now, I go through an identity crisis. Who am I and what is my purpose here? Yes, I strive to live for Christ...but...does He really have a plan for my life? Or is it just my dreamer type tendency to hope? What happens when the hopes and dreams that you have get trampled on by the world or the people in it? Should I keep dreaming? Or am I getting too old to dream...and should I just grow up already? The Lord calls us to have faith like a little child...but does that really mean to leave everything behind and pursue your passions? I mean, didn't HE give you the passions anyways?
These are the things that I am painfully wrestling with lately, especially with all that has happened in the past few months with my plans of what I thought I was supposed to do, falling through. I've spent hour upon hour in the prayer room crying out for God to do anything....ANYTHING. I've prayed over and over that He would at least take the passion away or make me less passionate about them so it wouldn't hurt so bad when things didn't work out...but He has done nothing of the sort.
SO I've come to the conclusion...that it is His intention for the next period of my life...to WAIT on Him. I am not myself JUST BECAUSE. I don't have these dreams and passions JUST BECAUSE I enjoy them. The Lord has given me longings for things because He is going to fulfill them. Maybe not in the way I thought or in MY timing....but definitely in His. Even in Jeremiah, the Lord is saying seek Him first...and then comes the freedom in living out His plans for your life. 1st comes true satisfaction in the Lord...then His promises. It's not about what God can do for you...but about truly having a relationship with Him and finding satisfaction in just simply being with Him.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 11For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Isaiah 55:9-13
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your way and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it
without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever.
So, I know this has been an extra long post, but here is a song that has definitely carried me through this waiting season so far....I'm not posting the lyrics, because it is so good...I want you to listen yourself. :) With that being said...thank you for taking the time to read! :)
