Growing Up Is Hard to Do...

So besides trying to raise support, I haven't posted a blog since I've been home. A lot has been going on spiritually for me and so I have even been trying to get all my thoughts together for myself. Life is definitely not the same that it has been for the past year. I would hear people say that I lived in a Teen Mania bubble and that I needed to prepare myself for the culture shock I would get when I graduated and came home. I guess I didn't take them seriously enough. It is completely different!

I'm going to try and get my thoughts down here and I'm sorry if they seem jumbled or not very clear; like I said, it's been a very weird time for me.

Quiet times - I have found it extremely hard to find time throughout my days to have a quiet time. I'm just getting plugged into a bible study at my church with a wonderful group of women so it helps to have accountability...but I feel like a lot of my quiet times lately have been me + A LOT of tears and desperate prayers. It's really weird for me. Yes, I am an emotional woman and I'm destined to feel this way sometimes...but I've always kind of been the one that people come to for advice or even a shoulder to just cry on (not meaning for that to sound prideful at all, by the way...this is just how it's always been.), but lately I've been the one who needs it. Maybe the Lord is teaching me humility in a weird sort of way? Or is there something greater to come from all of this? I don't feel like I'm in a "dry" spot at all...the Lord is definitely speaking to me about numerous things through different ways, so I don't know what my deal is...but it's just....weird? That's the only way I can think to describe it. Maybe the Lord will reveal an underlying issue soon.

Friends - *sigh* This is a really, really hard one for me. I miss my class...and my sisters...A LOT. It's difficult when you are surrounded by people who share the same passion as you and who have gone through the best and worst of your character qualities with you...still love you and pray for you and they aren't there to hang out with. Not that the friends I have are bad (if you're reading this and you're feeling hurt...please don't. These aren't my intentions at all. These are just my thoughts being put down in my way of processing.), it's just different. Really different.

I just really miss my interns...A LOT.

Work - I am working two jobs at the moment; Dippin' Dots Ice Cream & Bright Beginnings Academy. I've worked at Dippin' Dots at Hamilton Place Mall for the past 4 years on and off come November...I wish I could quit, but it's income until my Norway trip...so praise the Lord for it anyways! :) However...working at the preschool is AWESOME!!! For the majority of my time there, I've worked in the two's room. I thought it would be super stressful (nobody usually likes this room) and I would be so tired after working...but I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH! Yes, I'm EXHAUSTED after my work week, but it's a good tired; a meaningful tired. I mean it when I say that my babies at the preschool in Florida were the only thing that kept me alive at that point in my life and though I'm not in the exact same place I was two years ago, the Lord definitely blesses me with these kids! There is nothing like walking in and being bombarded with hugs and kisses in the morning or changing poop-filled pull-ups and walking out deaf because of all the noise you deal with all day long....but every single moment I spend in that place is worth it - whether or not I get a paycheck.

School - No college at the moment. This has been something I've wrestled with for a while now. I'll be 22 on the 26th and I feel frustrated with myself that most of my friends have either graduated college or will be this year around. I know that it was my own fault I didn't go when I had the chance in Florida...but looking back? I had no idea what I wanted to do...and the Lord knew that. Everything is working out now...I'm just waiting on the Lord to give me the okay to start. I want to go for nursing and eventually work with the medical side of human-trafficking. Specifically young women have been laid on my heart...especially this past year, but any human-trafficking would be awesome! Had I gone to school a few years ago, I never would have heard from the Lord on His will for my life...and who knows where I would be!! =0

Boys...or Men? - Hmmm...last, but definitely not least, this is what has been on my mind since a couple of weeks after I arrived at home. I am being super vulnerable with you all right now and I'm not sure why, but alas...if you are still reading this blog, I apologize for the length but stick with me and I'll give you a sticker! =p

First...I just want to say that it is so much harder than I remember, trying to stay pure...not just in the physical sense...but mentally and emotionally as well, in a world FULL of Satanic influences.

*Gasp* She brought out the "S word"!

Yep, I did. Because they CERTAINLY aren't of Christ.

WHAT in the world am I talking about? Music...media...parents (not mine...just in general)...friends....the internet....all of the above!

Yes, I was told I was going to get a culture shock...but this is way beyond anything I imagined being possible. Satan has his hand in so many ways of influence...it's not even funny, you guys! Music in particular, that's a super hard one for me. Even songs that I thought were considered "innocent" are all about love, heart-breaks, and revenge. It makes me SO sad to go back and listen to what were some of my favorite songs...and be convicted by the Holy Spirit. This stuff is not okay. It's no wonder that I felt the need to rebel, chase a boy, and move out so young. (Not that I'm passing blame...but I am talking about influences here.) There is a spiritual battle going on for the hearts of people around you everyday...and it's only getting worse. Am I condemning people for listening to it? No; but I STRONGLY advise against it. It may be "innocent" enough to listen to Taylor Swift (I very thoroughly enjoy listening to her), but even after a few "innocent" love songs...I have to be sure to guard my mind and remind myself that the Lord knows who I'm going to marry and I don't need to go chasing after love in the wrong places for a desire that, yes, He has given to me...but that He himself wants to fill so that I am a whole woman when that time comes. Anyways...that's my input on music.

As far as relationships go, I'm in a "weird" place. (Yes, I'll continue to use this word for lack of a better one...all these things I'm experiencing are new to me lately.) The desire for a relationship is so strong right now, it's crazy. I am almost 22. I am ready to move on and start my "life". But then I think..."wait a minute, who defines life as graduating, going to college, finding a man, getting married, buying a house, and having kids?" Hmmmm...ummmm. THE WORLD. Don't get me wrong; NONE of these desires or things are bad. A lot of Godly people I know are in college or graduated, married and have kids. I'm not condemning anybody for it. But is it what the Lord wants FOR ME? I know the Lord has something in store for me...I don't know what it is yet, but I know it's going to happen soon. It's something that He keeps telling me...to wait for. It's been hard, I've been getting this for about a year and a half now and I have yet to find out what it is. But I know it's gonna be good. However, I know I am to remain single for that time. That I do know. Which is hard; REALLY hard.

With all this, I will conclude with a song by the artist, Flame. He is AWESOME! I highly recommend him...He is super down to earth and I have listened to and support his lyrics. There is one song I keep listening to in particular (Move) though lately, and a part of it says: (I've attached the video at the very bottom...listen to it!!!)

"You in that relationship,
Do you plan to marry her?
Love her like CHRIST loves the Church
Till you bury her?

You in that relationship,
Do you plan to marry him?
Submit to him like you are the church
Or just worry him?

If you're not then back it up
Flee the temptation!
You can spend your singleness
Witnessing to the nations

You, don’t you compromise
Stand firm with it though
Keep your eyes on the Christ
Even if you feeling low.

Yes I know its hard though,
Plus, I understand it.
But JESUS says If You Love Me
Then You’ll Keep My Commandments.

Yes I know it’s scary though,
Plus, I understand it.
But JESUS says If You Love Me
Then You’ll Keep My Commandments."

This song (crazy, I know...but I'm a very musical person - hence going to the School of Worship) has really put things into perspective for me. The Lord is still walking me through healing processes even from two years ago and I've had to "redeem" a lot of places, songs, or memories; so I know for this reason alone, that I am not ready yet. So I will wait. I will wait because the Lord is still healing my heart and I want to be a whole person on that day. I will wait because the Lord has called me to "use my singleness witnessing to the nations". And I will wait...BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT.

Norway, here I come!!

Dear Friends & Family,

I am excited to announce that I will be returning to Norway on a mission trip November 8th-25th. I will be joining a team of other Honor Academy interns representing the School of Worship as we travel across Norway. This trip is a very unique trip as we will be putting on concerts & ministering through music, drama, & dance. We will be on a bus touring to different cities in Norway such as: Borkenes, Levanger, Bergen, Alesund, & Oslo.

Our Team in Harstad for a Prayer & Worship Conference

Our ministry tool is worship evangelism, taking Jesus at His words in John 12:32 when he said “If I be lifted up, I will draw all men unto me.” I believe as we lift up the name of Jesus in praise & worship throughout Norway, God’s presence will draw the lost & bring healing to broken hearts. As you may have heard about the recent shooting & bomb that occurred in Oslo, this affected the nation drastically. They have not had any huge violent occurrences since WWII. We will be bringing the hope & love of Jesus Christ to the Norwegians, so they may turn to God in this time of despair.

Harstad, Norway 2010

Many people over look Europe as a mission field, yet only 4% of Europe are Evangelical Christians while Africa holds 18% & Latin America 30% where we send most of ourmissionaries. Europe is in need of a revival as many of them have cold hearts and have turned away from God with an Agnostic world view.

I went on this trip last year and it drastically changed my life. I went because I knew the Lord wanted me to, never knowing what part I was supposed to play on the team...and I came back with a confidence in Christ of knowing exactly who I was and what He had called me to. During my intern year, the Lord kept bringing up the key phrase “Darkness into Light”. These words have not only summed up a huge part of what I've experienced, but they are a testimony to what Christ has done in my life and the hope that I have been given to share with the people of Norway.

Myself in Bergen with 2 Beautiful Women, Karen & Karoline

I am asking you to consider partnering with me on this trip. I will need financial & prayer support as I will be diligently working on fundraising. The cost of this trip is $2500 which includes all the expenses of traveling, food, & lodging. I have some deadlines to meet to have raised so I am able to go: Sept 19th- $1600, Oct 3- $2000, Oct 17- $2500

You can donate to my trip online by going to www.honoracdemy.com/donate and type in my ID #: 2606074. If you would like to mail me a check you can write the check out to Teen Mania Ministries for a tax-deductible and send it to:

Honor Academy

ATTN: Finance

PO Box 2000

Garden Valley, TX 75771 USA

*Please be sure to print a donation coupon at the Honor Academy website as well as put my ID number at the bottom.

As this trip has become an annual School of Worship trip, feel free to check out videos and testimonies of what God has done in Norway the previous years to get an idea of what I’ll be doing on this trip by going to: www.sownorwaytrip.blogspot.com

Please email me at the email below to let me know if you’d like to partner with me & with what amount so I can be assured to meet the deadlines.

Thank you & God bless,

Casee Ossmann

craziifreckles@gmail.com

Help Support My Trip to Norway!

Dear friends and family,

As you all know, I went on a missions trip to Norway this past November for worship evangelism and we lifted up the name of Jesus all across this beautiful land! It was the first time I had received visions from the Lord and was able to see God fulfill what He said He was going to do in numerous ways on this trip.

As of two weeks ago, I was signed up for the trip...but had been praying and praying for it for several weeks. I didn't get a clear "yes" like I did last year...however...neither did I receive a "no" either.

I am coming back to TeenMania in January to be on the ministry team and so it is going to cost $3600 for my second year here. I had figured that since I didn't get a clear yes, I would just save the $2500 that was needed for the trip...and put it towards my second year so I could at least have half of it paid for.

So I e-mailed the SOW office and told them I would not be going.

Since that point...I have NOT been able to stop thinking about Norway and the Lord has definitely put a passion in my heart to go again. Not because I want to go, but because this nation is a dark nation, and it needs to be shown the light and love of Christ.

The 450.00 deposit was due yesterday for this trip. I have $140 so far and am standing in faith that I will receive the rest and the Lord wants me to return in November.

I know it is last minute...but I am looking for people to sponsor me or donate towards this trip. Even if it's five dollars...I will be truly grateful! I will be working when I get home and I know that I will be able to get the money, but to secure my spot...the deposit is due ASAP! Please help me minister to these people...especially after the recent attacks in Oslo!

If you are interested in helping...please call me @ 352-287-1737.

OR go to www.honoracademy.com/donate

My TM ID is #2606074.

YOU ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!!!

-Casee

What is Love?

Please...comment. This is an open discussion... and I really want to hear everyone's answer. :)

True Romance

"For He has chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." - Ephesians 1:4

Whew! Huge revelation or what?? No? Let me break it down a bit more.

God...

CHOSE us...(yes, me and you!)

BEFORE THE CREATION OF THE WORLD!

This means...we are CHOSEN. 
Before every single happening in the Bible - God chose you! He knew who you were going to be - your personality, your hair, your eyes, your interests, your passions...everything about who you would become; and He still CHOSE you. BEFORE the creation of the world. Before Adam and Eve. Before Moses. Before King David. Before the birth of Jesus. HE. CHOSE. YOU.

For some reason this just blew my mind this morning. If I could hold on to this truth through every season of my life...I would no longer need anything of the world to satisfy my heart...for I have found true satisfaction in my heavenly prince!
Think about it.
He knows EVERYTHING about me. My wants, my desires, my needs, what calms me down on a stressful day, what my favorite movie is, what I need to hear when I'm down, and even the moments where I don't know how I'm feeling and I just need chocolate.
Maybe it's stalkerish...or maybe it's love.

Talk about a true romance!! :)

Dream on, Dreamer...OR...Just Grow Up!

Have you ever wanted something so badly and no matter how much YOU willed it to happen, you knew it never would?

The Lord has been taking me through a very painful yet refining season the past couple of months and I've really been wrestling with Him and questioning a lot as to why things are happening the way that they are. I've even been dealing with the life's big questions when I THOUGHT I had them all figured out (for the most part anyways). Things like, "What is my calling in life?", "Does God REALLY have something planned for me?", and "Where will I be in 5, 10, 20 years?".

Here I am...almost 22 years old and I feel like a failure because I don't have everything all figured out. The Sanguine part of me tends to dream A LOT...and I long for a life of adventure; never knowing what's coming next, being able to drop everything and do what the Lord asks, moving on a last minute's notice to somewhere I never thought I would...all because my life would be 200% spirit-led.

Then my Melancholic side loves plans and a set schedule. I like to have things squared away months before they happen & I love seeing how much I can accomplish in one day, week, or month just so I can cross them off of my homemade 'To Do List'. I get frustrated with mis-communications and changes so easily.

So where's the balance? Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind...I almost never make sense to people and I am not easy to figure out by any means. I can blog so easy sometimes...then others it's hard and I get frustrated because I can't put anything into words due to extreme passion. I love being around people one second, then the next - you better get away from me or I'm gonna blow up! I hate making plans but I love being adventurous and spontaneous. Sometimes I can multi-task...and other days I'm just plain distracted.

http://www.askwomennet.com/sanguine-personality.html

http://www.askwomennet.com/melancholic-personality.html

If you look at both definitions, you will see that they cannot possibly work together. Unless...THE LORD CREATED ME THE WAY I AM FOR A VERY SPECIFIC PURPOSE.

I know that I'm passionate about several things...but how do they all tie together? Or do they? Am I meant to do all of them in my lifetime...or will I have to give something up? Remembering back to when I was in the Chattanooga area, I recall getting this overwhelming joy in my heart at the most random times...and I somehow knew that it was the Lord's way of telling me that He had something huge planned....but I just didn't know what yet. Throughout this year, I've gotten deeper passions for infants & toddlers, young women who have been sex-trafficked, and music. But now I'm finishing off my intern year at the Honor Academy and I haven't felt that overwhelming feeling in a very long time.

I know that just because I can't feel it, doesn't mean that it's not still true. Yet sometimes, like now, I go through an identity crisis. Who am I and what is my purpose here? Yes, I strive to live for Christ...but...does He really have a plan for my life? Or is it just my dreamer type tendency to hope? What happens when the hopes and dreams that you have get trampled on by the world or the people in it? Should I keep dreaming? Or am I getting too old to dream...and should I just grow up already? The Lord calls us to have faith like a little child...but does that really mean to leave everything behind and pursue your passions? I mean, didn't HE give you the passions anyways?

These are the things that I am painfully wrestling with lately, especially with all that has happened in the past few months with my plans of what I thought I was supposed to do, falling through. I've spent hour upon hour in the prayer room crying out for God to do anything....ANYTHING. I've prayed over and over that He would at least take the passion away or make me less passionate about them so it wouldn't hurt so bad when things didn't work out...but He has done nothing of the sort.

SO I've come to the conclusion...that it is His intention for the next period of my life...to WAIT on Him. I am not myself JUST BECAUSE. I don't have these dreams and passions JUST BECAUSE I enjoy them. The Lord has given me longings for things because He is going to fulfill them. Maybe not in the way I thought or in MY timing....but definitely in His. Even in Jeremiah, the Lord is saying seek Him first...and then comes the freedom in living out His plans for your life. 1st comes true satisfaction in the Lord...then His promises. It's not about what God can do for you...but about truly having a relationship with Him and finding satisfaction in just simply being with Him.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.^[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Isaiah 55:9-13

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your way and my thoughts than your thoughts.

¹⁰ As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it

without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

¹² You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD’s renown,

for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever.

So, I know this has been an extra long post, but here is a song that has definitely carried me through this waiting season so far....I'm not posting the lyrics, because it is so good...I want you to listen yourself. :) With that being said...thank you for taking the time to read! :)

Old Blog Posts Continued...

Here are some more blog posts that I have found. :)

So, once again...I was looking through poems that I have written. I found this one. It is not long, but short and to-the-point. It may be not very good, but it just reminded me that all things happen for a reason and that I shouldn't lose faith...Long story, short? I've been struggling with letting go of friends in Florida. Friends..whom I NEVER thought would give up a friendship just because I moved. But all things happen for a reason. I know that I will understand in time, why things are happening the way they are. I only pray that I will keep my eyes on what REALLY matters...and that is Christ. Giving my all to Christ has brought me here safely...and I don't doubt that he will bring me through again. =] Enjoy!

"A New Day"

By: Casee Ossmann

Date: February '07

"Holding on with tightly-clenched fists,

I fight to keep you here.

I tell myself that this will pass,

As well as all the tears.

The days we've shared, I'll cherish so...

I won't forget you, friend.

But now its time to let you go,

Its time to face the end.

It hurts inside, more than you know,

to watch you drift away.

Yet in my heart, I also know...

This will bring a brand new day."

=]"

2nd one written the summer of 2007! :)

"So here is a song very dear to my heart. It was my favorite when I was a little girl and, until this morning, I had forgotten about it. I love this song..I cannot tell you how many rough days it had gotten me through growing up. If you know my story, you'd know that I never exactly fit in...I was always considered the good girl and I always hung around the adults. Not because I thought I was better than everyone else my age...but because I never liked getting in trouble. I took a lot of heat for who I was and what I believed (and still do)...I've spent most of my life without any close friends and this song was always a comfort to me. Now I am at a place in my life where I know there are people who are ready to love me but I'm afraid..because of my life in the past. I've lost the best friend I've ever had..or maybe the only real friend I've ever had and its like nothing is going to make it better until I get that back...even though I have so many new friends here. ;) So anyways...I heard this song this morning and it brought back a lot of memories. It made me cry...but it also made me realize that no matter what happens in life, I am loved. No matter how many people come into my life...no matter how many people leave me stranded..that I am always going to make it through..because love has been and always will be following me!

( Words and Music By Twila Paris)

I know sometimes it's hard to believe it

But Love's been following you

From where I stand I'm able to see it

And Love's been following you

All through the stormy night

Didn't you see the light

Goodness and mercy right there behind you

Love's been following you

Some days your heart just couldn't be colder

But Love's been following you

All you have learned just makes you feel older

But Love's been following you

You think that no one cares

Still Love is always there

He would go anywhere just to find you

Love's been following you

Love has been following you

Love's been following you

Love has been following you

Following you

Following you

Somehow the road just seems to get longer

But Love's been following you

Wait for the One who will make you stronger

'Cause Love's been following you

Wherever you go from here

Run far away from fear

Keep one thing very near and believe it's true

Love's been following you

Love's been following you

Love's been following you"

Old Blog Posts

So you know that thing called Myspace? Yeah, I used to have an obsession...especially with the whole blog side of it. I was reading through all my old diary entries, poems, and blog posts this weekend and the Lord brought me to a sobering place of remembering where I came from and how much HE has done in my life.

1st one written in the beginning of 2006:

"You can pick yourself up now,

Wipe the tears from your eyes.

Don't let them see your weakness,

Just hold your head up high...

You'll be fine...just keep going,

As if you've got nothing to hide.

Its none of their business anyways,

What's locked up so deep inside.

No one even cares for you,

not one will hear your screams.

So keep it to yourself, love.

All your broken dreams.

Don't let your guard down for anyone,

You know your heart might shatter.

Because once you let them see inside,

They leave and you no longer matter.

You will always be just a girl to the world,

FAILURE sums it up.

No one could ever love you.

No..not even one.

So like I said, keep it to yourself.

And paint on another smile.

Give into the masquerade, my dear.

And just keep living in denial."

2nd one written in the summer of 2006:

"She sits all alone at a table for two,

Ponders some thoughts, then pays when she's through.

She walks out the door, feels the hot summer air,

but quickly turns away from what she sees over there.

It brings sadness to her heart and tears to her eyes

She doesn't understand why she hasn't found her guy.

She cries...

God, sometimes its hard to stand on my own.

I need someone here, I can't do this alone.

It hurts to feel plain, like I'll never stand out.

Father, please show me what this life's all about.

So blinking back the tears, she carries on with her day.

She tries to tell herself that she'll be okay.

She calls up a friend to see what her plans are...

Gets a reply that others want to see that new movie...and its Rated R.

Her friends try to tell her as gently as possible...

But there's no need...She knows why they don't want to hang with her.

She cries..

God, Sometimes Its hard to stand on my own.

I need someone here, I can't do this alone.

It hurts to know they don't want me around,

Father, please show me what this life's all about.

She falls to her knees with her tear-drenched sleeves,

She screams out in pain, searching for peace...

She says God I can't do this anymore show me a sign

When will that special guy come and call me "mine"?

There, lying almost breathless on the floor

She suddenly hears the words she's never heard before...

God whispers...

My child, I know sometimes its hard to stand alone..

But I was always there and you are never alone.

I know it hurts to feel plain, that you'll never stand out

But if only you knew...It's your beauty I like to brag about!

And I know that sometimes they don't want you around,

but I love you and I will keep you safe and sound.

You are my beautiful child and I love you more than you'll ever know.

You don't have to be perfect...It's through your love for me that you've shown.

You are a child of mine and I am so proud of you.

You've managed to trust me with all that you've been through.

I know you get weary sometimes you even cry out...

Just remember...

I AM what your life is all about."

This is a poem I wrote. For the longest time, I have been struggling with feeling alone. I've had so many friends that have compromised...turned their backs on God and I'm left there in the dark when I thought that they had my back. I'm not talking about elderly Christians...I'm talking about my high school friends. And yes, there are times when I doubt that I will ever find my prince charming. There are days when I wonder why I haven't found him...Is it because I'm too much of a "good girl"? Is it because I'm not fifteen pounds lighter and I won't wear skimpy clothing? Is it because I'm saving my first kiss? There are days when doubt fills my mind and leaves me there with nothing but a broken heart. There are days when I wonder if I should just give up on my dreams because I will never be good enough to serve God. I'm too impatient, I'm too fat, I'm too quiet, I can't play piano/guitar or sing well enough. There are days when I feel useless. Like a piece of garbage. Like no one could ever love me. I'm just like you...I'm a fragile human being. I could go on and on with the list of insecurities...but ya know what? God has something to say about all of them. EVERY SINGLE ONE!

For the first time in my life, I am starting to realize that it isn't all about me. Being a Christian isn't about trying to live your perfect little life and preaching 24/7 about the love of God. Nope...Being a Christian is DOING. Being a Christian isn't just about talking...it is about working. Showing love...It isn't about you anymore. It is about God and what he wants. He died for you, the least you can do is live your life for him. He wants you to love. He commanded us to show love (scripture). I made choice to follow Christ the day I gave up my life to him...it is time I start picking up the pace instead of lagging behind.

And also...I am starting to realize that your mind is a battlefield. The minute you let doubt into your mind...it goes downhill. Think positive! There is so much to be thankful for.

When I start to think about how many people have turned their backs on me...I turn it around and thank God for the people he has put in my life to help me in my spiritual walk and encourage me when I am down (Mommy, The ladies at our women's bible study, Amanda, Courtney, Josh..).

When I start to feel like I am not musically talented enough...I think about how God has at least given me a voice and I can talk. I thank him that my parents were able to pay for 5 years of piano and 2 of voice.

DON'T LET THE DEVIL WIN!! The mind is a battlefield. Listen to the words of God!!"

3rd one written the end of 2006.

"I've been reading an AWESOME book.

'Here Am I, Lord...Send Somebody Else!' by Jill Briscoe

It was a total God thing that I even picked it up in the first place...because personally? I don't read too much. I just happened to be walking throughout the whole library and the book caught my eye.

But anyways...

One of my favorite things that she writes about is in the very first chapter and she is talking about 'Moses' moments...How we all feel inadequate at some point in our lives.

The truth of the matter is that we all have insecurities of our own and we can all relate to feeling afraid. I mean, imagine what Moses must have been thinking/feeling when God told him that he was going to lead the Israelites out of Egypt!!!

"Moses answered to God, "But why me? What makes you think that I could ever go to Pharaoh and lead the children of Israel out of Egypt?" -Exodus 3:11

But do you know what God replied with in verse 12??

"I will be with you."

Jill brings up the point that before we can allow God to use us, we have to realize first that we are NOTHING on our own. We're just people...ordinary people. But yet, God STILL wants to use us...that just because we aren't like Moses or Elijah, we can just give up on living for Christ.

"This means we cannot excuse ourselves from living a life pleasing and honoring to God on the basis that we are wimps when it comes to righteousness, that we are no Moses or Elijah and are therefore free to live spiritually subpar all of our meager lives. If Moses and Elijah are revealed to us as ordinary men who lost their tempers like we do, got discouraged like we do, and blew it like we do, we must accept the fact that God has only imperfect people to use and apparently has decided to use them!"

-Jill Briscoe

WOW...does that hit a sore spot or what? I don't know about you...but I think I spend more time arguing with God than obeying him because I feel inadequate or afraid of what task lies in front of me. If we would only stop making excuses and let God use us..Man, would that be amazing or what? I'm not just talking about the big things either..I mean little things too. Like telling somone that they are loved...or giving them a card or a random phone call. I mean..seriously. It does not matter how stupid or lame YOU think it is...you never know what someone is going through or what they need to hear.

One thing that God keeps putting in front of me lately, is obedience. If you feel that God is putting something or someone on your heart..If you feel led to do or say something...then obey!! Like I said, the smallest things to you are the biggest things to someone else.

This book is truly amazing and I highly reccommend that you read it!

There is so much more that I would love to talk about but I don't want to spoil the rest of the book for you!

The main thing I am trying to say is that, yes, we all feel insecure about things and we all feel inadequate. And its because we are...but with God all things are possible!! So if you are feeling down or worthless like you can't make a difference...don't. I've been there, done that..and God is revealing to me more everyday that I am a Child of God..I am loved..and He is going to use me!! Doesn't matter where you are and it doesn't matter where you've been...He will use you..fears, pains, regrets, and all!! Give it all to Christ and He will turn them into something beyond your wildest dreams!

Wooooohoooooo!

=]"

Faithful To The End

So I totally never thought I would ever be saying this, but...I am now an official lifeguard!

It never ceases to amaze me all the opportunities that I have had pretty much handed to me this past year. God is so good! I've had the opportunity to go to Norway for worship evangelism and ended up on the dance team (which is something I've ALWAYS wanted to do, but always been afraid), I've gotten to write two short devotionals for Ron Luce's new book, I've gotten to speak with hundreds and hundreds of youth pastors througout the year and encourage them as they reach out to this generation.

I have had a chance to develop my skills as a worship leader and play in the prayer room on campus, I've had the best family core on campus who have encouraged and inspired me as I've pushed myself physically, mentally, & spiritually in ways that have grown me as a woman so much!

On top of all this, I was certified to be a lifeguard this week as the ministry payed ($175.00) for select individuals to go through the training for this summer. THIS is a HUGE blessing because if I DO end up on January ministry team, I would need to go back home and work & raise funds for my G.I. (graduate intern) year. Now I won't have to pay to renew my first aid/CPR certification for a job at a preschool!! =) It's also a miracle because I have never been the fastest or most athletic woman and I know that I was chosen to be in this training for a reason. The instructor we had used to be a marine and through him pushing us and creating a sense of urgency, I came to the realization that I am never able to do certain things because I limit myself by thinking in my mind that I can't do them; therefore I set myself up to fail. If I could continue to tell myself that there are no limitations, with Christ on my side...there is NOTHING I will not be able to accomplish; whatever that may be! :)

The Lord is so good and faithful!

Am I really this crazy??

SO many thoughts running through my mind right now.

Jesus, please give me peace!!

Live Free, Young Padawan!

Ministry Team

As I prepare for mini-roads, I can't help but wonder...

....

........

.............

"Wait a minute! Prepare?"

...

Is that even possible? Am I even supposed to be "prepared"?

...

True, I am supposed to strive for excellence; but is stressing out about tomorrow, really how I'm called to respond? Doesn't it say in Matthew to not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough worries of it's own?" or "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

...

Then I got to thinking about how I'm such a planner. Yes, you know the type; I like to know what's going on when and if anything changes, God forbid you tell me last minute! Last minute things confuse me and put me on edge.

Yet, somehow as I started typing this out, the Lord gave me a HUGE revelation.

Maybe my life isn't supposed to make sense and I'm not supposed to "have it all together". If I did, then I would be perfect...and therefore, I would not need direction or guidance from the Lord. I've always been a dreamer and call me crazy; but I believe that I was made that way for a reason. I was made this way...with this "childlike" innocence...for a reason. Some see it as irresponsible as I tend to go on a whim with some things. Yet, if the Lord made me this way; wouldn't He have made me this way because He knew I would respond the same way when He called me to do something? I love adventure; but I've always been afraid to step out in faith on that because of what people will think.

Yet, I want to. I want to be the girl that is so in love with Jesus that will leave all reasoning behind...just to surrender to His will. Whether that be the opinions of other people, finances, or circumstance. I want to LIVE FREE!!

My point? If I truly believed my God was big enough; I would live outrageously...regardless of life itself.

Refinement

Dear Jesus,


I think I'm FINALLY starting to understand the term "Beauty in Brokenness". It's such a bittersweet feeling; to be humbled at the foot of the cross. When everything I ever thought I was or hoped to become is stripped away and I realize my true identity is in you and THROUGH you. Without you, I have nothing. Without you I AM nothing. Without you...I have no reason to live. Jesus...BE MY EVERYTHING. All the worldly things that I used to treasure in my heart seem to fade into the background as I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. May I always burn for you inside...may my heart always be close to your fire! Lord, let me never grow apathetic again to your words, to your love, TO YOUR HEART. I want to dance with you for hours in fields of wildflowers. I want to rest in your arms, completely safe and sound. I want to always know who I am in you and know that I no longer have to be afraid. It is here that I'm loved. It is here that I'm cherished. It is here that I'm FREE to be ME! Thank you for loving me even when I don't deserve it. There is nothing I can do to earn your love; I don't have to BE anything but myself...I don't have to TRY to become what I think I should be. Thank you, Daddy. I love you.

Forever yours,
Your little princess

Perspective: Epic Fail...or Lesson Learned?

My life...has been anything but ordinary the past 12 years or so. Sometimes I look back (especially recently) and I wonder; if I had done things differently would I be a better person. It's so easy to look back and have regrets...but it takes a strong individual who has just been knocked down to say "Hey, that was a silly mistake; how can I do things differently to prevent it FROM happening again?"...and get back up.

And this is what the Lord is teaching me...in so many aspects of my life. I've always been a perfectionist, a people-pleaser, and an independent woman. I've always had the mindset, "If I don't do it, it just won't get done." And so I work at something...until it either becomes my life 24/7 or a make myself sick over it and then deny that I'm doing so.

In an earlier post, I covered this a little bit; but it's just something that the Lord continues to bring up in my life.

It is no secret that a year at the Honor Academy is challenging and I figured I've been through a lot emotionally over the past 12 years...how bad could it possibly be? "I'm strong enough after everything I've gone through...this year has nothing on me."

WRONG. While recently I've been meeting with Mary Beth Hasz (one of the most amazing and wisest women I've ever met!), I'm recently learning that I've always run from my problems instead of working through them. That's not strength; that's being a coward! Yet, in order for me to come off to others as a "strong" woman...I've covered these flaws up by pushing myself harder whether in academics or ministry placement. I did amazing last semester. I took every single class and only got one B...and I felt like I was on top of the world in my ministry placement. I started learning how to have better conversations on the phone and I really learned how to love being a people person and helping people in customer service. Only one problem: as time went on...and I fell more in love with Jesus; he took me to deeper levels that I've never experienced before.

What's wrong with that you might say? Well...it can be an amazing thing! BUT...in order to go deeper...you have to take in the good with the bad. There is a hefty price paid for going deeper. As He breaks down the walls around my heart that I've built up over the years...brick by brick; under each layer is a piece of my past that I've tucked away somehow and forgotten about. All the while, I've allowed it to shape who I am by either forming thoughts about myself or people that aren't true. Painful things...that I just thought were a normal part of life; emotionally and spiritually. Yes, we are going to struggle with things..but the simple truth is; WE DON'T HAVE TO IF WE WOULD JUST RENEW OUR MINDS WITH SCRIPTURE! It sounds SO silly, but one thing I've learned is that you have SO much control over the negative things in your life...like your thoughts. Yeah, its easier to give in; but its SO much more worth it to battle it out...even if it takes tears. ;)

As these things are being revealed...its effecting my grades and how I function. Which, to me...the perfectionist...is extremely frustrating! Yet maybe I'm not here to get straight A's (yes, of course I'm going to strive for it!), or be the best in every single thing that I do (one thing I'm learning is that there is ALWAYS going to be someone that can do something better than you...this is extremely humbling by the way!)...if I go through this year acting so strong; not letting anything effect me...then why am I here? What is the point of taking any class that I'm taking...and getting an A; if I don't put it into practice??

As some of you know, I took a week and a half break from the Honor Academy. During this; I missed main roads and, yes, Satan has tormented me with the thought that I've missed out on something huge. But ya know what? The past two weeks were SO refreshing in so many ways, I couldn't even express to you in a blog how much my perspective has changed.

One of the core nights that we've had here at the HA, consisted of staring into a mirror; into your own eyes...and writing down every thought that comes to mind. I decided to give this another try on my own at home. What I saw disturbed me. I looked so tired & worn out, there was anger, I looked depressed, and extremely overwhelmed. I hardly recognized myself. Here I was at the Honor Academy....trying SO hard to be the "perfect" Christian girl who everybody was SO proud of...yet, I wasn't being ME. I've been missing the whole point. Yes, God wants us to strive for Godly things...so we can be intimate with Him. BUT...really? He is already in love with everything we are; inside and out.

As I finished getting ready evening and left the house for a short drive before I met up with friends...I heard the most comforting words I think I've heard in a long time from the Lord. "Casee, just stop. Stop trying so hard. I want you just the way you are." Yes, we have quiet times at the Honor Academy...yes, we have classes on how to hear God's voice more clearly. Yet sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of trying to be a good person and we think the more involved we are or more scripture we read; we'll impress either people or God. That couldn't be further from the truth. He wants to walk through the fire with you; not wait until you are already refined to be with Him. His love for us is not measured by the number of calls we make in a day, if we fail to turn in homework or not, or whether we get so stressed out that we make a fool out of ourselves by losing grip of our emotions; we are qualified to be His in those little imperfections...and he wants to walk hand in hand with us, even if it does take baby steps to get where we're going.

So when I look back and see how I've "failed" in certain areas...is it going to bother me? I could let it...or I could see it as a way to admit that I was wrong, learn from my mistakes, humble myself and let Jesus help me back up, and last but not least, accept His love and mercy daily as I struggle with these things. I'm learning that a perfectionist is a VERY prideful individual...and it makes it very hard for me to accept help, not just from other people; but I put walls up so easily between my Savior and I when I refuse to accept his grace because somehow I think I can do things on my own. Forget that! I'm done with holding on to my pride; true strength comes from true faith. God I trust in YOU and YOUR abilities...not mine!