So you know that thing called Myspace? Yeah, I used to have an obsession...especially with the whole blog side of it. I was reading through all my old diary entries, poems, and blog posts this weekend and the Lord brought me to a sobering place of remembering where I came from and how much HE has done in my life.
"You can pick yourself up now,
Wipe the tears from your eyes.
Don't let them see your weakness,
Just hold your head up high...
You'll be fine...just keep going,
As if you've got nothing to hide.
Its none of their business anyways,
What's locked up so deep inside.
No one even cares for you,
not one will hear your screams.
So keep it to yourself, love.
All your broken dreams.
Don't let your guard down for anyone,
You know your heart might shatter.
Because once you let them see inside,
They leave and you no longer matter.
You will always be just a girl to the world,
FAILURE sums it up.
No one could ever love you.
No..not even one.
So like I said, keep it to yourself.
And paint on another smile.
Give into the masquerade, my dear.
And just keep living in denial."
2nd one written in the summer of 2006:
"She sits all alone at a table for two,
Ponders some thoughts, then pays when she's through.
She walks out the door, feels the hot summer air,
but quickly turns away from what she sees over there.
It brings sadness to her heart and tears to her eyes
She doesn't understand why she hasn't found her guy.
She cries...
God, sometimes its hard to stand on my own.
I need someone here, I can't do this alone.
It hurts to feel plain, like I'll never stand out.
Father, please show me what this life's all about.
So blinking back the tears, she carries on with her day.
She tries to tell herself that she'll be okay.
She calls up a friend to see what her plans are...
Gets a reply that others want to see that new movie...and its Rated R.
Her friends try to tell her as gently as possible...
But there's no need...She knows why they don't want to hang with her.
She cries..
God, Sometimes Its hard to stand on my own.
I need someone here, I can't do this alone.
It hurts to know they don't want me around,
Father, please show me what this life's all about.
She falls to her knees with her tear-drenched sleeves,
She screams out in pain, searching for peace...
She says God I can't do this anymore show me a sign
When will that special guy come and call me "mine"?
There, lying almost breathless on the floor
She suddenly hears the words she's never heard before...
God whispers...
My child, I know sometimes its hard to stand alone..
But I was always there and you are never alone.
I know it hurts to feel plain, that you'll never stand out
But if only you knew...It's your beauty I like to brag about!
And I know that sometimes they don't want you around,
but I love you and I will keep you safe and sound.
You are my beautiful child and I love you more than you'll ever know.
You don't have to be perfect...It's through your love for me that you've shown.
You are a child of mine and I am so proud of you.
You've managed to trust me with all that you've been through.
I know you get weary sometimes you even cry out...
Just remember...
I AM what your life is all about."
This is a poem I wrote. For the longest time, I have been struggling with feeling alone. I've had so many friends that have compromised...turned their backs on God and I'm left there in the dark when I thought that they had my back. I'm not talking about elderly Christians...I'm talking about my high school friends. And yes, there are times when I doubt that I will ever find my prince charming. There are days when I wonder why I haven't found him...Is it because I'm too much of a "good girl"? Is it because I'm not fifteen pounds lighter and I won't wear skimpy clothing? Is it because I'm saving my first kiss? There are days when doubt fills my mind and leaves me there with nothing but a broken heart. There are days when I wonder if I should just give up on my dreams because I will never be good enough to serve God. I'm too impatient, I'm too fat, I'm too quiet, I can't play piano/guitar or sing well enough. There are days when I feel useless. Like a piece of garbage. Like no one could ever love me. I'm just like you...I'm a fragile human being. I could go on and on with the list of insecurities...but ya know what? God has something to say about all of them. EVERY SINGLE ONE!
For the first time in my life, I am starting to realize that it isn't all about me. Being a Christian isn't about trying to live your perfect little life and preaching 24/7 about the love of God. Nope...Being a Christian is DOING. Being a Christian isn't just about talking...it is about working. Showing love...It isn't about you anymore. It is about God and what he wants. He died for you, the least you can do is live your life for him. He wants you to love. He commanded us to show love (scripture). I made choice to follow Christ the day I gave up my life to him...it is time I start picking up the pace instead of lagging behind.
And also...I am starting to realize that your mind is a battlefield. The minute you let doubt into your mind...it goes downhill. Think positive! There is so much to be thankful for.
When I start to think about how many people have turned their backs on me...I turn it around and thank God for the people he has put in my life to help me in my spiritual walk and encourage me when I am down (Mommy, The ladies at our women's bible study, Amanda, Courtney, Josh..).
When I start to feel like I am not musically talented enough...I think about how God has at least given me a voice and I can talk. I thank him that my parents were able to pay for 5 years of piano and 2 of voice.
DON'T LET THE DEVIL WIN!! The mind is a battlefield. Listen to the words of God!!"
3rd one written the end of 2006.
"I've been reading an AWESOME book.
'Here Am I, Lord...Send Somebody Else!' by Jill Briscoe
It was a total God thing that I even picked it up in the first place...because personally? I don't read too much. I just happened to be walking throughout the whole library and the book caught my eye.
But anyways...
One of my favorite things that she writes about is in the very first chapter and she is talking about 'Moses' moments...How we all feel inadequate at some point in our lives.
The truth of the matter is that we all have insecurities of our own and we can all relate to feeling afraid. I mean, imagine what Moses must have been thinking/feeling when God told him that he was going to lead the Israelites out of Egypt!!!
"Moses answered to God, "But why me? What makes you think that I could ever go to Pharaoh and lead the children of Israel out of Egypt?" -Exodus 3:11
But do you know what God replied with in verse 12??
"I will be with you."
Jill brings up the point that before we can allow God to use us, we have to realize first that we are NOTHING on our own. We're just people...ordinary people. But yet, God STILL wants to use us...that just because we aren't like Moses or Elijah, we can just give up on living for Christ.
"This means we cannot excuse ourselves from living a life pleasing and honoring to God on the basis that we are wimps when it comes to righteousness, that we are no Moses or Elijah and are therefore free to live spiritually subpar all of our meager lives. If Moses and Elijah are revealed to us as ordinary men who lost their tempers like we do, got discouraged like we do, and blew it like we do, we must accept the fact that God has only imperfect people to use and apparently has decided to use them!"
-Jill Briscoe
WOW...does that hit a sore spot or what? I don't know about you...but I think I spend more time arguing with God than obeying him because I feel inadequate or afraid of what task lies in front of me. If we would only stop making excuses and let God use us..Man, would that be amazing or what? I'm not just talking about the big things either..I mean little things too. Like telling somone that they are loved...or giving them a card or a random phone call. I mean..seriously. It does not matter how stupid or lame YOU think it is...you never know what someone is going through or what they need to hear.
One thing that God keeps putting in front of me lately, is obedience. If you feel that God is putting something or someone on your heart..If you feel led to do or say something...then obey!! Like I said, the smallest things to you are the biggest things to someone else.
This book is truly amazing and I highly reccommend that you read it!
There is so much more that I would love to talk about but I don't want to spoil the rest of the book for you!
The main thing I am trying to say is that, yes, we all feel insecure about things and we all feel inadequate. And its because we are...but with God all things are possible!! So if you are feeling down or worthless like you can't make a difference...don't. I've been there, done that..and God is revealing to me more everyday that I am a Child of God..I am loved..and He is going to use me!! Doesn't matter where you are and it doesn't matter where you've been...He will use you..fears, pains, regrets, and all!! Give it all to Christ and He will turn them into something beyond your wildest dreams!
Wooooohoooooo!
=]"
