Perspective: Epic Fail...or Lesson Learned?

My life...has been anything but ordinary the past 12 years or so. Sometimes I look back (especially recently) and I wonder; if I had done things differently would I be a better person. It's so easy to look back and have regrets...but it takes a strong individual who has just been knocked down to say "Hey, that was a silly mistake; how can I do things differently to prevent it FROM happening again?"...and get back up.

And this is what the Lord is teaching me...in so many aspects of my life. I've always been a perfectionist, a people-pleaser, and an independent woman. I've always had the mindset, "If I don't do it, it just won't get done." And so I work at something...until it either becomes my life 24/7 or a make myself sick over it and then deny that I'm doing so.

In an earlier post, I covered this a little bit; but it's just something that the Lord continues to bring up in my life.

It is no secret that a year at the Honor Academy is challenging and I figured I've been through a lot emotionally over the past 12 years...how bad could it possibly be? "I'm strong enough after everything I've gone through...this year has nothing on me."

WRONG. While recently I've been meeting with Mary Beth Hasz (one of the most amazing and wisest women I've ever met!), I'm recently learning that I've always run from my problems instead of working through them. That's not strength; that's being a coward! Yet, in order for me to come off to others as a "strong" woman...I've covered these flaws up by pushing myself harder whether in academics or ministry placement. I did amazing last semester. I took every single class and only got one B...and I felt like I was on top of the world in my ministry placement. I started learning how to have better conversations on the phone and I really learned how to love being a people person and helping people in customer service. Only one problem: as time went on...and I fell more in love with Jesus; he took me to deeper levels that I've never experienced before.

What's wrong with that you might say? Well...it can be an amazing thing! BUT...in order to go deeper...you have to take in the good with the bad. There is a hefty price paid for going deeper. As He breaks down the walls around my heart that I've built up over the years...brick by brick; under each layer is a piece of my past that I've tucked away somehow and forgotten about. All the while, I've allowed it to shape who I am by either forming thoughts about myself or people that aren't true. Painful things...that I just thought were a normal part of life; emotionally and spiritually. Yes, we are going to struggle with things..but the simple truth is; WE DON'T HAVE TO IF WE WOULD JUST RENEW OUR MINDS WITH SCRIPTURE! It sounds SO silly, but one thing I've learned is that you have SO much control over the negative things in your life...like your thoughts. Yeah, its easier to give in; but its SO much more worth it to battle it out...even if it takes tears. ;)

As these things are being revealed...its effecting my grades and how I function. Which, to me...the perfectionist...is extremely frustrating! Yet maybe I'm not here to get straight A's (yes, of course I'm going to strive for it!), or be the best in every single thing that I do (one thing I'm learning is that there is ALWAYS going to be someone that can do something better than you...this is extremely humbling by the way!)...if I go through this year acting so strong; not letting anything effect me...then why am I here? What is the point of taking any class that I'm taking...and getting an A; if I don't put it into practice??

As some of you know, I took a week and a half break from the Honor Academy. During this; I missed main roads and, yes, Satan has tormented me with the thought that I've missed out on something huge. But ya know what? The past two weeks were SO refreshing in so many ways, I couldn't even express to you in a blog how much my perspective has changed.

One of the core nights that we've had here at the HA, consisted of staring into a mirror; into your own eyes...and writing down every thought that comes to mind. I decided to give this another try on my own at home. What I saw disturbed me. I looked so tired & worn out, there was anger, I looked depressed, and extremely overwhelmed. I hardly recognized myself. Here I was at the Honor Academy....trying SO hard to be the "perfect" Christian girl who everybody was SO proud of...yet, I wasn't being ME. I've been missing the whole point. Yes, God wants us to strive for Godly things...so we can be intimate with Him. BUT...really? He is already in love with everything we are; inside and out.

As I finished getting ready evening and left the house for a short drive before I met up with friends...I heard the most comforting words I think I've heard in a long time from the Lord. "Casee, just stop. Stop trying so hard. I want you just the way you are." Yes, we have quiet times at the Honor Academy...yes, we have classes on how to hear God's voice more clearly. Yet sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of trying to be a good person and we think the more involved we are or more scripture we read; we'll impress either people or God. That couldn't be further from the truth. He wants to walk through the fire with you; not wait until you are already refined to be with Him. His love for us is not measured by the number of calls we make in a day, if we fail to turn in homework or not, or whether we get so stressed out that we make a fool out of ourselves by losing grip of our emotions; we are qualified to be His in those little imperfections...and he wants to walk hand in hand with us, even if it does take baby steps to get where we're going.

So when I look back and see how I've "failed" in certain areas...is it going to bother me? I could let it...or I could see it as a way to admit that I was wrong, learn from my mistakes, humble myself and let Jesus help me back up, and last but not least, accept His love and mercy daily as I struggle with these things. I'm learning that a perfectionist is a VERY prideful individual...and it makes it very hard for me to accept help, not just from other people; but I put walls up so easily between my Savior and I when I refuse to accept his grace because somehow I think I can do things on my own. Forget that! I'm done with holding on to my pride; true strength comes from true faith. God I trust in YOU and YOUR abilities...not mine!

Emotional Drama Queen...Or Just Crazii Little Me??

They say that you shouldn't regret anything that has made you who you are today; but sometimes I wonder how it's possible to look at things in such a positive light all of the time. Sure, everyone has their good days and bad days...but how do you keep the joy of the Lord in sight when LIFE is thrown at you? I realize that had I not been through certain circumstances and learned from them, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't realize my need for a Saviour; yet at the same time, I often wish I could take everything back and do it over again...just so I could live without the pain.

In one of my recent meetings with Mary Beth Hasz (I love this woman so much!), she took me through a process which consisted of "breaking soul ties" and speaking out against anything in my past that I've overlooked and has kept me from being intimate with the Lord. We went through each and every sin one by one and I was fine with speaking the words "I forgive myself and let go of (you fill in the act)..." until we reached the guilt and condemnation part. I don't think I've ever hesitated or choked up more at trying to speak a few words.

I've also heard it said that most of the time, forgiving yourself is the hardest part. This is SO true...yes, I've had to forgive some people that have caused very big wounds in my heart, but I think so often, when I remind myself that forgiveness is a choice; I forget to include myself in those "choices". Guilt & condemnation are two of the biggest things that Satan can hold above someone's head and I'm definitely figuring that out lately.

Yes, I've made some stupid decisions in my life...and yes, they've caused problems. However, everything is NOT my fault and just because I've made mistakes, "got a couple dents in my fender, and a couple rips in my jeans"; doesn't mean that the Lord views me that way. So why should I believe a lie? If I'm being honest, sometimes this is a battle of the mind and soul that turns into a physical one. One of my biggest frustrations is that I can't show anger, frustration, sadness, or even joy sometimes; I cry. Over everything. It's something I've tried to work on, but that's just how I'm wired.

So what if can't be 200% joyful all the time or I'm not quite ready to go into ministry yet? Are people going to think less of me? Maybe. Are people going to label me a cry baby or emotional drama queen? Probably. Does it make me any less "Christian"? Definitely not! The Lord is bigger than my circumstances and I know He's not through refining me yet and as hard as it is to convince myself of these things, I am willing to do what it takes though to stand back up. Yes, I've got scripture and you bet I'm gonna use it...BUT sometimes you just have to fight with your tears...and that's okay too!