This is Where The Healing Begins

Going to Norway changed my life in so many ways, but the biggest impact it made on me was definitely helping me come to the realization that it is okay to be myself.

Growing up, I've always heard that said...but here, at this point in my life....being 21 years old, I FINALLY understand what that means. The past two months I've struggled with feeling like I'm not "good enough". Most of the interns here came to the Honor Academy right out of high school...and although I'm only 21, I was feeling so beat down by the fact that I've made mistake after mistake after mistake, before finally walking down the path that God had intended. In a way, I've been feeling condemned. I've been believing the lie that I'm too broken or dirty to be used by God...that I'm worthless. I've been comparing my life with others' lives...and it has killed me spiritually.

Thankfully, God is a loving God...and a persistent one. He continues to pursue me and speak truth over my life when I am so blinded by the enemy; when the demons screaming lies into my life drown out the gentle voice of my Saviour whispering words of love and affirmation.

You see, its not about being the best "Christian". Sometimes, I think the church today is so set on religion instead of relationship, and because that's all we've been taught...when it comes to the relationship part, we are still in "religion mode". This makes it hard for us to receive God's love because we still feel we have to earn it. The beauty of it all is that God loves us no matter what; He doesn't just love us, He is head-over-heels for us! He would do ANYTHING it takes to win our heart if we could just open up our eyes and hearts, acknowledging that he is there!

Just realizing that one thing - allowing God's love to become REAL to me, has changed my view on everything. I might not be the best worship leader right now; I might hit the wrong note or play the wrong chord. I might not be the wisest woman alive or feel like I am ready to lead a group of young women through their struggles; and somehow that is okay. The Lord wants me just how I am...broken and bruised. I HAVE been through a lot...and before I can lead others through their circumstances and trials, I have to acknowledge that I am feeling just like they are and allow God to lead ME through.

Someone in Norway told me that they feel the next two years of my life are going to bring about significant healing...which brought comfort in so many ways. I can't just live like my past never happened because it has brought me to where I am today and going through the healing process definitely plays a huge part in where the Lord is calling me (young women's ministry). Just to know that I don't have to get from point A to Z in this one year internship brings a lot of relief in different areas of my life. I can be free to be myself and I don't have to feel defeated when I see other people ministering to others in ways that I am not able to yet. There are always going to be people that God will allow me to minister to in ways that I don't necessarily expect...and that's the cool part; that He can still use me in the midst of my brokenness! :) I am resting safely in His arms, soaking in His love....allowing it to become real to me and healing my heart in ways that I never thought it could be touched again. The crazy thing is, there is SO much more that I will come to realize as I walk with Him daily. There has already been so much healing but this is just the beginning.

THIS is where the healing begins!

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear


So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Be Not Afraid!

Throughout the Norway trip, the Lord revealed Himself to me in so many ways that I've never experienced before. The team went to Norway to "break chains" and bring freedom not just in worship, but in every area of their lives. It is definitely safe to say that chains were not only broken off of THEM, but in my life as well.

Growing up, I always considered myself a shy girl. I have now come to the realization that I have been believing a lie. Yes, I am normally a quiet person...BUT...there is a difference between being gentle-spirited and being SHY. Being shy is something I have started considering as a stronghold in my life. I know that the Lord has big plans for me; it has been confirmed numerous times through prayer, circumstances, AND other people...but if I put God in a box, telling Him that He can only do so much in my life because I'm not willing to take that step of boldness; because I'm AFRAID...how can I ever expect to grow?

2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity; but of power, of love, and of self-discipline."

Forgiveness is a Choice!

One of the things that the Lord has been really working in me on is the forgiveness issue. Growing up, I never had a good relationship with Dad; which now I realize is the root of a lot of my relationship problems. I hold things against certain people that they most likely don't even know hurt me. I expect too much of people; I hold them up to this 'perfect standard' when, really, I can't even live up to that myself!

I always feel defeated when the past comes up and I can't let it go from my memory. The truth is, the past will always be there. You can't live like it never happened; it has made you who you are...but forgiveness is a choice. You can choose to let your past circumstances tbeat you to the ground and make you an angry, bitter, lonely person; or you can stand back up when they knock you down, choose to be the bigger person, and stop the negative thoughts before they can take hold of you...which, in the end, brings so much more freedom than you will ever be able to comprehend!