"Worth The Wait"

As I said in the previous post, I was sick in bed during the entire fasting LTE. This wasn't completely a bad thing as I was able to read through old journal entries from my teenage years and on. Lately, I've done a lot of reflecting about my journey over the past 3 years through graduating, leaving home, ending up in an abusive situation, coming out of that, and now, being an intern in an amazing ministry!! Sometimes it makes me feel old, to think that I graduated in 2008 and it is already 2011! Here is a poem from my journal; I started this in the end of 2009 and just finished it this weekend. :) Let me know what you think!

"Worth The Wait"

The pain subsides and all seems clear,

As I get up on my feet.

The storm was long and treacherous,

Through it I couldn't even see.

So many times I called your name,

But the thunder crashed so loud.

Still, you were right there waiting,

To push away the clouds.

You saw the tears fall down my cheek,

As my heart was torn in two.

It killed your heart to watch me hurt,

But yet you always knew...

As the darkness overcame my soul,

And I knew not who I was.

When I felt so robbed of innocence,

Still you'd look on me with love.

You knew one day I'd encounter you,

And it would change my life.

You had faith I'd have the strength to stand,

And not give up the fight.

You were never disappointed,

In mistakes that I had made.

All the while searching,

For love in the wrong place.

For you knew that I'd soon find it,

And you were waiting for the day...

When I'd rest safely in your arms,

As you'd whisper...

"You were worth the wait."

Humility

Hey Friends,

So the past month has not only been a test of my faith, but of my humility as well. As you all know, last semester I had 11 classes total and managed to get by; but not without suffering in other areas of my life. Such as health and relationships. This semester I am actually dropping a couple classes and focusing more on my family core/relationships as well as developing the musical gifts that the Lord has given me.

On top of that, last Tuesday I got sick. REALLY sick. I couldn't keep any food down and had THE worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life. It was like this for a couple days and then we were supposed to start our spring 3-day fasting LTE on Thursday; the day I was supposed to have a check-up probation meeting with the women's discipline manager here at the Honor Academy. Well, going into the meeting, I was extremely out of it and so I spilled the beans about being sick. If you know me, I'm definitely a busy body and am always at work on something. Even over the summer, working 14 hour days was not hard for me; even if I neglected everything else. So, being the crazy woman I am, I didn't tell my manager. Not a good idea. During this meeting, as the conversation quickly snowballed into bringing up past events and hurts in my life that I didn't even know where there, I realized that I put way too much emphasis on my work. It has been a place of security for me in many ways. 1st, when Mom had to go back to work in order to be able to support the family, I kind of took on the role that she would have had if she had been home. Dad was in bed 22 plus hours a day and unable so if I didn't do it while Mom was at work, then who would?

So even though I never realized it until now, I had taken on that mentality and it has shaped who I am; but not in the best way possible. I HATE calling in sick because I feel like I'm failing the company/ministry so I usually just suck it up and carry on; I mean, its not the end of the world if I throw up once, right?
But in that meeting, I came face to face with one of my worst fears: someone putting me in my place. It took Holly (I am SO grateful for this woman!!) telling me straight up that I am going to become a workaholic years into my marriage and neglect the time with my husband and with my children...and her asking if that's what I really wanted to really put things into perspective. Yes, I've been told that I am hard on myself, but how far is too far?

So, I told Anthony (manager) that I was told to return to my room and get some rest. THIS took a lot of humility...I was so afraid of letting the team down! We are on one of the biggest events of the ATF season. We call for Sacramento and our base goal is 8,250 people this year! You can imagine how overwhelming this can be at times.
Anyways, I went back to the room and got some rest thinking that it was the stupidest thing in the world and that I would be better by the next day so I could go to the Fasting LTE sessions at least. WRONG!!! Don't ya know that every time I set my alarm to get up and get ready, it either didn't go off or I didn't remember shutting it off. God works in humorous ways sometimes!

So, to shorten the story, I texted Anthony Saturday to update him as to what was going on with me and he said that we had registered almost 800 people that week and that we were almost 1,000 above what our goal is at the moment!! LOL. And I thought God couldn't do it without MY help...I mean, after all, if I didn't do it, who was going to? Boy, did that teach me something!

So even though I didn't get to fast with the rest of the interns, I was still able to take something SO valuable away from this that I wish I would have learned forever ago!

I CAN'T...but God can.
I've been so afraid of failure that I've let it define me; but in all reality, without HIM...I really DO fail.

Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to be sick so that I was able to FINALLY get it through my head that I am only human and I can only do so much on my own but that I have a God who cares enough to allow me to cast my cares upon Him and is strong enough and big enough to support me in my weaknesses! :)