Emotional Drama Queen...Or Just Crazii Little Me??

They say that you shouldn't regret anything that has made you who you are today; but sometimes I wonder how it's possible to look at things in such a positive light all of the time. Sure, everyone has their good days and bad days...but how do you keep the joy of the Lord in sight when LIFE is thrown at you? I realize that had I not been through certain circumstances and learned from them, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't realize my need for a Saviour; yet at the same time, I often wish I could take everything back and do it over again...just so I could live without the pain.

In one of my recent meetings with Mary Beth Hasz (I love this woman so much!), she took me through a process which consisted of "breaking soul ties" and speaking out against anything in my past that I've overlooked and has kept me from being intimate with the Lord. We went through each and every sin one by one and I was fine with speaking the words "I forgive myself and let go of (you fill in the act)..." until we reached the guilt and condemnation part. I don't think I've ever hesitated or choked up more at trying to speak a few words.

I've also heard it said that most of the time, forgiving yourself is the hardest part. This is SO true...yes, I've had to forgive some people that have caused very big wounds in my heart, but I think so often, when I remind myself that forgiveness is a choice; I forget to include myself in those "choices". Guilt & condemnation are two of the biggest things that Satan can hold above someone's head and I'm definitely figuring that out lately.

Yes, I've made some stupid decisions in my life...and yes, they've caused problems. However, everything is NOT my fault and just because I've made mistakes, "got a couple dents in my fender, and a couple rips in my jeans"; doesn't mean that the Lord views me that way. So why should I believe a lie? If I'm being honest, sometimes this is a battle of the mind and soul that turns into a physical one. One of my biggest frustrations is that I can't show anger, frustration, sadness, or even joy sometimes; I cry. Over everything. It's something I've tried to work on, but that's just how I'm wired.

So what if can't be 200% joyful all the time or I'm not quite ready to go into ministry yet? Are people going to think less of me? Maybe. Are people going to label me a cry baby or emotional drama queen? Probably. Does it make me any less "Christian"? Definitely not! The Lord is bigger than my circumstances and I know He's not through refining me yet and as hard as it is to convince myself of these things, I am willing to do what it takes though to stand back up. Yes, I've got scripture and you bet I'm gonna use it...BUT sometimes you just have to fight with your tears...and that's okay too!