Have you ever wanted something so badly and no matter how much YOU willed it to happen, you knew it never would?
The Lord has been taking me through a very painful yet refining season the past couple of months and I've really been wrestling with Him and questioning a lot as to why things are happening the way that they are. I've even been dealing with the life's big questions when I THOUGHT I had them all figured out (for the most part anyways). Things like, "What is my calling in life?", "Does God REALLY have something planned for me?", and "Where will I be in 5, 10, 20 years?".
Here I am...almost 22 years old and I feel like a failure because I don't have everything all figured out. The Sanguine part of me tends to dream A LOT...and I long for a life of adventure; never knowing what's coming next, being able to drop everything and do what the Lord asks, moving on a last minute's notice to somewhere I never thought I would...all because my life would be 200% spirit-led.
Then my Melancholic side loves plans and a set schedule. I like to have things squared away months before they happen & I love seeing how much I can accomplish in one day, week, or month just so I can cross them off of my homemade 'To Do List'. I get frustrated with mis-communications and changes so easily.
So where's the balance? Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind...I almost never make sense to people and I am not easy to figure out by any means. I can blog so easy sometimes...then others it's hard and I get frustrated because I can't put anything into words due to extreme passion. I love being around people one second, then the next - you better get away from me or I'm gonna blow up! I hate making plans but I love being adventurous and spontaneous. Sometimes I can multi-task...and other days I'm just plain distracted.
If you look at both definitions, you will see that they cannot possibly work together. Unless...THE LORD CREATED ME THE WAY I AM FOR A VERY SPECIFIC PURPOSE.
I know that I'm passionate about several things...but how do they all tie together? Or do they? Am I meant to do all of them in my lifetime...or will I have to give something up? Remembering back to when I was in the Chattanooga area, I recall getting this overwhelming joy in my heart at the most random times...and I somehow knew that it was the Lord's way of telling me that He had something huge planned....but I just didn't know what yet. Throughout this year, I've gotten deeper passions for infants & toddlers, young women who have been sex-trafficked, and music. But now I'm finishing off my intern year at the Honor Academy and I haven't felt that overwhelming feeling in a very long time.
I know that just because I can't feel it, doesn't mean that it's not still true. Yet sometimes, like now, I go through an identity crisis. Who am I and what is my purpose here? Yes, I strive to live for Christ...but...does He really have a plan for my life? Or is it just my dreamer type tendency to hope? What happens when the hopes and dreams that you have get trampled on by the world or the people in it? Should I keep dreaming? Or am I getting too old to dream...and should I just grow up already? The Lord calls us to have faith like a little child...but does that really mean to leave everything behind and pursue your passions? I mean, didn't HE give you the passions anyways?
These are the things that I am painfully wrestling with lately, especially with all that has happened in the past few months with my plans of what I thought I was supposed to do, falling through. I've spent hour upon hour in the prayer room crying out for God to do anything....ANYTHING. I've prayed over and over that He would at least take the passion away or make me less passionate about them so it wouldn't hurt so bad when things didn't work out...but He has done nothing of the sort.
SO I've come to the conclusion...that it is His intention for the next period of my life...to WAIT on Him. I am not myself JUST BECAUSE. I don't have these dreams and passions JUST BECAUSE I enjoy them. The Lord has given me longings for things because He is going to fulfill them. Maybe not in the way I thought or in MY timing....but definitely in His. Even in Jeremiah, the Lord is saying seek Him first...and then comes the freedom in living out His plans for your life. 1st comes true satisfaction in the Lord...then His promises. It's not about what God can do for you...but about truly having a relationship with Him and finding satisfaction in just simply being with Him.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Isaiah 55:9-13
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your way and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it
without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever.
So, I know this has been an extra long post, but here is a song that has definitely carried me through this waiting season so far....I'm not posting the lyrics, because it is so good...I want you to listen yourself. :) With that being said...thank you for taking the time to read! :)
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