Emotional roller coaster? My life has been nothing less than that over the past two years. Through it all though, it never ceases to amaze me how great the love of our God really, truly is. No matter what point we are at in our lives or how stained and shattered we think our hearts are, nothing is impossible for God to overcome...not even the sinful nature of us human beings. Let me share a few things with you and then maybe you'll get my gist;
In December 2007, I started dating a previous friend in Florida. I had known this guy for five years prior and when I went down to visit, we expressed feelings for each other. We decided to pursue a long distance relationship (which was extremely difficult). Being 18 at the time, I had never been kissed and planned on saving my first one, along with the rest of my body, for my husband on our wedding day. All of those hopes fell to nothing very quickly as I became more and more infatuated. My morals and everything I had believed in were shoved aside in hopes of finding 'love'...and it worked, for a while. Then more was wanted in order to keep this "love" alive and in August of 2008, I moved down to Florida to be with this man, convincing myself that along with this move, I had plans of starting college and pursuing a career of childcare. My parents (needless to say) were heartbroken along with several friends and my church family. I had totally changed and turned my back on God...the old Casee was nowhere to be found; but it didn't matter. I had found "love" in someones arms...and it was something I didn't want to lose.
Things seemed to be going well aside from the fact that I missed who I used to be & I was rarely ever happy...but all of that had to be okay, for what was I going to do? Ask for forgiveness and come back home?? YEAH RIGHT. =p I "felt" loved yet it was not enough and I wanted to go back to church, I wanted to be involved in ministry, I missed the loving arms of Christ. I missed my family. In March of 2009, my life had taken a turn for the worst and, so quickly, I had no idea what I had really walked into. I started dealing with abuse; first emotional and verbal, then the physical. I thought "everyone has their rough days, maybe I just have to deal with it"... & "he's only human". And besides I had already given everything, so this was the man I had to spend the rest of my life with. But then I caught myself doing things just to get even....& I hated that. Yet I honestly thought that this was going to be the life I was stuck with...that I would be with this one person for the rest of my life and just getting by was all that there was to it. College became just a dream...that I had given up on. I had already wasted almost two years of my life...why start now? It was too late.
And that's how I lived for months and months...just getting by...thinking I could never be used again; that I was broken...a failure...wasted. Then God spoke directly to me (I will NEVER forget this night...ever!). I had just finished arguing with my boyfriend (no names will be mentioned)- I had been pushed into the wall and landed on the floor. As I looked up at him, he said, "don't look at me, you deserved it.". I sat there, astonished that someone could be so heartless and cold towards someone they "loved". My heart sank into my stomach and the silence was deafening..you could have heard a pin drop. I would never wish those words on anybody...hearing those words was quite possibly the worst feeling in the world. But in the chaos of it all and in my brokenness, I will never forget the voice I heard at that moment...and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explain how it was even possible; "No, you don't. You are my beautiful child and YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN MY PERFECT PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE." I laid on the couch that night, not getting any sleep...and as those words kept ringing over and over again in my ears, I somehow managed to find the strength to move all of my stuff out of his house the next morning while he was at work.
Over the next couple months my life appeared to be coming back together, slowly, piece by piece. I became involved in church, had friends again, and things seemed to be looking up. I started praying about where God wanted me to go at this point and felt led to move back to Chattanooga with my family. This was a hard decision for (1) I had not had a good relationship with my Dad in the past (so moving back home was, to me, a CRAZY idea) and (2) I LOVED my job. I was the 12-18 month teacher at a local preschool and had become quite attached to my babies. :)
But...I moved back to Chattanooga (12/09) and started attending HLC again. I had taken the first step, but now I was completely lost as to what to do...so I kept praying about it; All I kept hearing was, "I have something store for you...something big. It is going to change your life, but I need your full attention on me.". Before I moved back I had started dating a wonderful guy and God had made it very clear that in order for him to work in my life at this time, I needed to be single. I tried to ignore the decision he was asking me to make...what can I say? I had fallen very hard and very fast for this man.
Anyways, I attended Acquire The Fire with the youth group and it was that weekend that God gave me just a glimpse of how much my life was going to be changed. Like I said, I had been praying about the direction in which God was leading me...so they called all the high school sophomores, seniors, and college students into a group away from one of the main sessions and presented Honor Academy to us. As it was being talked about and through the interns message about leadership, a peace came over me...it was a bold kind of peace; which I had never experienced before. I somehow knew that this was where God was calling me so I filled out an application and went for the interview that weekend.
I came home from ATF and told the boyfriend what I had done that weekend and he was cool with it...until he found out that during my year at HA, I would not be allowed to pursue any kind of romantic relationship with a guy. Things were a little shaky for the next few days, but he knew that I wanted to follow God's calling so he finally decided to make a decision to wait for me. IF I got accepted into the internship we would date for the summer, take a year long break and then when I came back from HA, we would continue to pursue a deeper relationship. Everything was going great, I was happy, and there was no stopping the love between us!
About a month rolled by and I heard nothing; but still...the voice of God kept telling me that there was something bigger that I was meant for. I was so confused; I thought for sure that HA was where God had called me but started having doubts. He also kept telling me to break it off with my boyfriend; that I had to be single...though I didn't want to unless I was accepted. I was getting a little frustrated (and emotional too), so I decided to stay home from church one Sunday. I remember praying that morning; "God, if this is really where you want me, PLEASE send me a sign or break it off with this man. I REALLY like this guy and there is no possible way that I can do this with my own strength." That night, I received some texts warning me that my boyfriend had been seen with another girl...He hadn't answered hardly any texts of mine that day, but assured me that nothing was going on. I believed him and let it go. The next day I received my acceptance letter from Honor Academy and, man, was it bittersweet! :) A week and a half later, I broke up with my boyfriend, due to confirmation that things WERE happening. And call me crazy...but I DO believe that was God's way of helping me break it off. Both prayers were answered within 24 hours...it was evident that HA was were I was supposed to be.
In December 2007, I started dating a previous friend in Florida. I had known this guy for five years prior and when I went down to visit, we expressed feelings for each other. We decided to pursue a long distance relationship (which was extremely difficult). Being 18 at the time, I had never been kissed and planned on saving my first one, along with the rest of my body, for my husband on our wedding day. All of those hopes fell to nothing very quickly as I became more and more infatuated. My morals and everything I had believed in were shoved aside in hopes of finding 'love'...and it worked, for a while. Then more was wanted in order to keep this "love" alive and in August of 2008, I moved down to Florida to be with this man, convincing myself that along with this move, I had plans of starting college and pursuing a career of childcare. My parents (needless to say) were heartbroken along with several friends and my church family. I had totally changed and turned my back on God...the old Casee was nowhere to be found; but it didn't matter. I had found "love" in someones arms...and it was something I didn't want to lose.
Things seemed to be going well aside from the fact that I missed who I used to be & I was rarely ever happy...but all of that had to be okay, for what was I going to do? Ask for forgiveness and come back home?? YEAH RIGHT. =p I "felt" loved yet it was not enough and I wanted to go back to church, I wanted to be involved in ministry, I missed the loving arms of Christ. I missed my family. In March of 2009, my life had taken a turn for the worst and, so quickly, I had no idea what I had really walked into. I started dealing with abuse; first emotional and verbal, then the physical. I thought "everyone has their rough days, maybe I just have to deal with it"... & "he's only human". And besides I had already given everything, so this was the man I had to spend the rest of my life with. But then I caught myself doing things just to get even....& I hated that. Yet I honestly thought that this was going to be the life I was stuck with...that I would be with this one person for the rest of my life and just getting by was all that there was to it. College became just a dream...that I had given up on. I had already wasted almost two years of my life...why start now? It was too late.
And that's how I lived for months and months...just getting by...thinking I could never be used again; that I was broken...a failure...wasted. Then God spoke directly to me (I will NEVER forget this night...ever!). I had just finished arguing with my boyfriend (no names will be mentioned)- I had been pushed into the wall and landed on the floor. As I looked up at him, he said, "don't look at me, you deserved it.". I sat there, astonished that someone could be so heartless and cold towards someone they "loved". My heart sank into my stomach and the silence was deafening..you could have heard a pin drop. I would never wish those words on anybody...hearing those words was quite possibly the worst feeling in the world. But in the chaos of it all and in my brokenness, I will never forget the voice I heard at that moment...and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explain how it was even possible; "No, you don't. You are my beautiful child and YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN MY PERFECT PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE." I laid on the couch that night, not getting any sleep...and as those words kept ringing over and over again in my ears, I somehow managed to find the strength to move all of my stuff out of his house the next morning while he was at work.
Over the next couple months my life appeared to be coming back together, slowly, piece by piece. I became involved in church, had friends again, and things seemed to be looking up. I started praying about where God wanted me to go at this point and felt led to move back to Chattanooga with my family. This was a hard decision for (1) I had not had a good relationship with my Dad in the past (so moving back home was, to me, a CRAZY idea) and (2) I LOVED my job. I was the 12-18 month teacher at a local preschool and had become quite attached to my babies. :)
But...I moved back to Chattanooga (12/09) and started attending HLC again. I had taken the first step, but now I was completely lost as to what to do...so I kept praying about it; All I kept hearing was, "I have something store for you...something big. It is going to change your life, but I need your full attention on me.". Before I moved back I had started dating a wonderful guy and God had made it very clear that in order for him to work in my life at this time, I needed to be single. I tried to ignore the decision he was asking me to make...what can I say? I had fallen very hard and very fast for this man.
Anyways, I attended Acquire The Fire with the youth group and it was that weekend that God gave me just a glimpse of how much my life was going to be changed. Like I said, I had been praying about the direction in which God was leading me...so they called all the high school sophomores, seniors, and college students into a group away from one of the main sessions and presented Honor Academy to us. As it was being talked about and through the interns message about leadership, a peace came over me...it was a bold kind of peace; which I had never experienced before. I somehow knew that this was where God was calling me so I filled out an application and went for the interview that weekend.
I came home from ATF and told the boyfriend what I had done that weekend and he was cool with it...until he found out that during my year at HA, I would not be allowed to pursue any kind of romantic relationship with a guy. Things were a little shaky for the next few days, but he knew that I wanted to follow God's calling so he finally decided to make a decision to wait for me. IF I got accepted into the internship we would date for the summer, take a year long break and then when I came back from HA, we would continue to pursue a deeper relationship. Everything was going great, I was happy, and there was no stopping the love between us!
About a month rolled by and I heard nothing; but still...the voice of God kept telling me that there was something bigger that I was meant for. I was so confused; I thought for sure that HA was where God had called me but started having doubts. He also kept telling me to break it off with my boyfriend; that I had to be single...though I didn't want to unless I was accepted. I was getting a little frustrated (and emotional too), so I decided to stay home from church one Sunday. I remember praying that morning; "God, if this is really where you want me, PLEASE send me a sign or break it off with this man. I REALLY like this guy and there is no possible way that I can do this with my own strength." That night, I received some texts warning me that my boyfriend had been seen with another girl...He hadn't answered hardly any texts of mine that day, but assured me that nothing was going on. I believed him and let it go. The next day I received my acceptance letter from Honor Academy and, man, was it bittersweet! :) A week and a half later, I broke up with my boyfriend, due to confirmation that things WERE happening. And call me crazy...but I DO believe that was God's way of helping me break it off. Both prayers were answered within 24 hours...it was evident that HA was were I was supposed to be.
"One Year" from Honor Academy on Vimeo.
So, now, here I am...ready to go to Texas in two months. I NEVER thought, looking back at a year ago, that I would ever be given an opportunity such as this. God is a loving God and I am SO grateful that I have been given a second chance! I have no clue where God is going to take me this next year, physically or spiritually, but it has been so exhilarating letting God lead me. Walking by faith is a scary things sometimes (especially for someone like me; I ALWAYS like to know whats going on in advance!), but its definitely something I could get used to!!
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