On top of working 50 hour work weeks and preparing for this fall, my mind has not been able shut down at night, leaving me to think about the events of the past year. Life has been absolutely insane but, in particular, since September.
Beginning of September, I was still living with my boyfriend. Completely living outside of the will of God...and I knew it. I turned my back on EVERYTHING I had ever believed in or been taught (having grown up in the church)...only to be accepted into The Honor Academy not even 7 months later. Having left that part of my life behind, I'm still in awe of the fact that God has chosen to give me a second chance, but lately...doubt has crept into the back of my mind - and the devil definitely knows how to use that to his advantage.
Honor Academy is year-long internship to focus on your relationship with Christ, but even more than that, to develop LEADERSHIP skills to ADVANCE the kingdom of God.
LEADERSHIP: That's what has hit me so hard. Just the thought of even touching on the surface of becoming a "leader" with a ten and a half foot pole...TERRIFIES me. When I think of all the people that I am going to be serving this next year (and hopefully the rest of my life) in the name of our Lord, I can't help but think of how unworthy I am to have been given such an opportunity. I can't help but wonder, "If they only knew the things I have done - the sins I've committed against you, Lord...they would shun me. Would they even look up to me as a "leader?" " If people only knew how, half a year ago, I was so deliberately disobeying you...would they still want to accept and support me in going to Honor Academy? There are SO many other people that applied to this internship...people who have only dreamed about an opportunity like this their entire life. WHY did you save me from an abusive relationship WHEN I DENIED YOU and WHY WAS I CHOSEN??
Tonight, over a java chip frappuccino (Mmmmmm!)...my emotions finally got the best of me and I let my thoughts flow freely through the phone to an old friend in Florida. It was as if I felt the need to start confessing every single sin and explain why I didn't deserve this internship...AND notify him of how horrible of a person I had been.
Poor Steve, he's been there with me through everything...but tonight, I thought for sure, I'd cried one tear too many for even the most loyal of friends to handle. Yet this was his response: "Casee, it doesn't matter what you have done; go back and read the parable of the Prodigal Son again. God LOVES you."
Luke 15:11-27
11Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[b]'
22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
WOW. This guy had totally turned his back on his entire life (his family, his friends) and everything he had known because he thought the grass was greener on the other side...just like I did. Wild living was okay for a while...but it says in 14 -"After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need."
It amazes me how much I can relate to this verse after going back and reading it again. "after he had spent everything, he began to be in need." It was I, 7 months ago, who had spent everything...emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually, chasing after something SO TEMPORARY. I didn't realize how desperately I was in NEED, until I was literally on the floor weeping (I had gotten into an argument with my boyfriend and he had pushed me to the ground.). Even then, I thought I was a goner until I heard the voice of God, which brings me to another parable.
Reading back a little bit to the beginning of Luke Chapter 15 I read the parable of the lost sheep once again:
3Then Jesus told them this parable: 4"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' 7I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
Again, WOW. I've read this parable probably a hundred times before...but this time it struck me hard. Tears filled my eyes - would God REALLY leave 99 other believers who devoutly followed after him to find ME in the midst of MY pain and brokenness when I had no idea he could even use me again? The answer is yes, HE DID. The voice I had heard in my head that night, was none other than God's when he said, "You don't deserve this. You are my beautiful child and you deserve nothing less than my perfect plan for your life."
HE chose to save me from a dangerous situation and lead me back to Chattanooga to discover HA. Why?? Because HE LOVES ME.
"Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, "Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep!" - HOW AMAZING HIS LOVE IS FOR US...IT HAS NO END!!! No matter how far we think we have gone off the deep end...HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT THERE with open arms...just like the father in the parable of the prodigal son. :) How awesome is it to hear that?!?!
So now am I "ready" to be a "leader"? Do I "deserve" to be given that title? Noooo & NO! But I have come to the humbling realization that its not about ME. I didn't save myself from an abusive relationship and careless living. I didn't call myself to HA. I didn't give myself a second chance...psh. Puh-LEASEEE! I hardly knew what grace truly was (and is) until recently. GOD DID ALL OF THAT. Every single bit! So while I may not exactly be comfortable with the term "leader"...I AM ready to be totally and completely open about what GOD has done in my life, how HE has changed me. And I can only hope that through the way I live my life from this moment on, people can catch even a glimpse of how much they are loved and a little bit of what grace truly feels like...cause just a little bit is all it takes.
Beginning of September, I was still living with my boyfriend. Completely living outside of the will of God...and I knew it. I turned my back on EVERYTHING I had ever believed in or been taught (having grown up in the church)...only to be accepted into The Honor Academy not even 7 months later. Having left that part of my life behind, I'm still in awe of the fact that God has chosen to give me a second chance, but lately...doubt has crept into the back of my mind - and the devil definitely knows how to use that to his advantage.
Honor Academy is year-long internship to focus on your relationship with Christ, but even more than that, to develop LEADERSHIP skills to ADVANCE the kingdom of God.
LEADERSHIP: That's what has hit me so hard. Just the thought of even touching on the surface of becoming a "leader" with a ten and a half foot pole...TERRIFIES me. When I think of all the people that I am going to be serving this next year (and hopefully the rest of my life) in the name of our Lord, I can't help but think of how unworthy I am to have been given such an opportunity. I can't help but wonder, "If they only knew the things I have done - the sins I've committed against you, Lord...they would shun me. Would they even look up to me as a "leader?" " If people only knew how, half a year ago, I was so deliberately disobeying you...would they still want to accept and support me in going to Honor Academy? There are SO many other people that applied to this internship...people who have only dreamed about an opportunity like this their entire life. WHY did you save me from an abusive relationship WHEN I DENIED YOU and WHY WAS I CHOSEN??
Tonight, over a java chip frappuccino (Mmmmmm!)...my emotions finally got the best of me and I let my thoughts flow freely through the phone to an old friend in Florida. It was as if I felt the need to start confessing every single sin and explain why I didn't deserve this internship...AND notify him of how horrible of a person I had been.
Poor Steve, he's been there with me through everything...but tonight, I thought for sure, I'd cried one tear too many for even the most loyal of friends to handle. Yet this was his response: "Casee, it doesn't matter what you have done; go back and read the parable of the Prodigal Son again. God LOVES you."
Luke 15:11-27
11Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[b]'
22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
WOW. This guy had totally turned his back on his entire life (his family, his friends) and everything he had known because he thought the grass was greener on the other side...just like I did. Wild living was okay for a while...but it says in 14 -"After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need."
It amazes me how much I can relate to this verse after going back and reading it again. "after he had spent everything, he began to be in need." It was I, 7 months ago, who had spent everything...emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually, chasing after something SO TEMPORARY. I didn't realize how desperately I was in NEED, until I was literally on the floor weeping (I had gotten into an argument with my boyfriend and he had pushed me to the ground.). Even then, I thought I was a goner until I heard the voice of God, which brings me to another parable.
Reading back a little bit to the beginning of Luke Chapter 15 I read the parable of the lost sheep once again:
3Then Jesus told them this parable: 4"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' 7I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
Again, WOW. I've read this parable probably a hundred times before...but this time it struck me hard. Tears filled my eyes - would God REALLY leave 99 other believers who devoutly followed after him to find ME in the midst of MY pain and brokenness when I had no idea he could even use me again? The answer is yes, HE DID. The voice I had heard in my head that night, was none other than God's when he said, "You don't deserve this. You are my beautiful child and you deserve nothing less than my perfect plan for your life."
HE chose to save me from a dangerous situation and lead me back to Chattanooga to discover HA. Why?? Because HE LOVES ME.
"Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, "Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep!" - HOW AMAZING HIS LOVE IS FOR US...IT HAS NO END!!! No matter how far we think we have gone off the deep end...HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT THERE with open arms...just like the father in the parable of the prodigal son. :) How awesome is it to hear that?!?!
So now am I "ready" to be a "leader"? Do I "deserve" to be given that title? Noooo & NO! But I have come to the humbling realization that its not about ME. I didn't save myself from an abusive relationship and careless living. I didn't call myself to HA. I didn't give myself a second chance...psh. Puh-LEASEEE! I hardly knew what grace truly was (and is) until recently. GOD DID ALL OF THAT. Every single bit! So while I may not exactly be comfortable with the term "leader"...I AM ready to be totally and completely open about what GOD has done in my life, how HE has changed me. And I can only hope that through the way I live my life from this moment on, people can catch even a glimpse of how much they are loved and a little bit of what grace truly feels like...cause just a little bit is all it takes.
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