One Week...

One week from now I will be in a hotel room somewhere in Texas trying to calm my anxiety for the events about to take place in my life this upcoming year. Next Friday will be the beginning of a life-changing year for me, where I will come face to face with not only physical challenges but spiritual and emotional as well. There is no doubt in my mind that if God has brought me this far in the past year, He won't fail to bring me even further in the months (and years) to come. As I watch videos and read previous interns' blogs...my heart is overwhelmed. I KNOW that this year is going to change me & even though I know that it will be for the better, it still scares me.

Over this summer, while preparing for Honor Academy...I have had to deal with SO many spiritual battles, some of which led to physical. First off, I had fallen head-over-heels for a guy. I'm talking totally consumed with thoughts of "forever" and "happily ever after". I seriously thought he was "the one". Then I attended Acquire The Fire and Honor Academy was presented....it was the first time I had ever heard of the school. There was a peace about it so I felt led to apply and go for the interview. I did. One problem: The boy was not happy with this decision. I thought that if it were God's will, that he would have been all for it...but I was sadly mistaken. :(

During the next month, I prayed & prayed that God would reveal to me where I was supposed to be. As patience is not one of my best qualities, I was getting frustrated. I wanted an answer...NOW. One Sunday morning, I was so angry with life: Here God had brought me back to the Chattanooga area, gave me the opportunity to go to an ATF event, and then led me to fill out an application for a school that I had NEVER heard of all the while expecting me to trust him with my LOVE LIFE, completely surrendering what I wanted even though it had made me SO happy??? I didn't understand it. Didn't God want me to be happy?

So I stayed home from church that morning. As I was lying there in bed, so numb I couldn't even convince myself to move (as the spiritual doubting and anger had turned into a physical battle)..the tears just started flowing...and they didn't stop for a good hour and a half. I couldn't speak at all, but there was no need-my heart spoke for me. I told God that I was frustrated...and I told him that if this was where He really wanted me to go, that I needed confirmation...I remember praying silently, "Lord, give me SOMETHING to on!" That NEXT DAY I got my acceptance letter to HA. It was such a bittersweet moment for me, I will never forget it! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!! I was in shock that I had been accepted...that God had taken me from being in an abusive relationship just 7 months before and placed me in such a place where I could even be CONSIDERED to take part in such an amazing ministry...yet I knew that I would have to make sacrifices: one of which being the relationship I was in.

Needless to say, God had answered that prayer in His own way. I felt like He had to rip it from my tightly-clenched fists...but He definitely came through and rescued my heart from so tightly clinging to something so temporary. Rumors had made their way around and my deepest fears were confirmed as I found these out lies were actually truth and that this guy had "lost interest" and found joy with some other woman. On top of coming out of an abusive relationship, you can only imagine that pain struck my heart and I don't believe that I will ever be able to put into words how bad that hurt really was. On top of that, the guy drove all the way from Florida to Hamilton Place Mall...in Chattanooga, TN. only to walk into the store I worked at and for what? To kick me down once again? Or so that's how it felt! Though no words were even exchanged, my entire body went numb...and it stayed that way until a full 24 hours later. All I could think was "Am I THAT horrible of a person that people find it necessary to hurt me and find it amusing?"

This then sent me on a journey of self-doubt...and ultimately doubting that I was even "good enough" to still be a part of God's plan. After all, my heart had been through things I never thought I would have to go through in such a short year and a half & I was so positive that it was "broken beyond repair".

This led to sleepless nights, negative attitudes, and doubting everything...including my friendships. I didn't want to be hurt...I didn't want to "love" and put effort into friendships only to have them ripped from me...so I put up walls. I would wake up, go to work, sit alone at Starbucks every night, then go home, play guitar, sleep...and repeat. There was no social life.

As if I wasn't already low enough and I thought it couldn't get any worse, I had to confront the man that had so easily walked out of my life and was now trying to apologize (I had tried ignoring him...but obviously you can't run away from your problems all the time). It wasn't the easiest thing in the world, but I'm glad we talked. Through that conversation, I realized that it WASN'T me...but more the fact that I was choosing to follow Christ. With that commitment, I was making choices that didn't fit his personal agenda...and his morals. After that, it had all become clear...every struggle that I had faced...every pain that I had felt...was just Satan trying to trip me up. It was then that an old hymn came to mind and amidst my pain, doubt, & fear...I suddenly felt comforted.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way.

When sorrows like sea billows roll.

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say...

It is well, it is well with my soul."

On top of dealing with losing a relationship, I had dealt with being persecuted at my job (I had worked for Muslims and they REFUSED to give me Sundays off and had worked me harder than any other employee...I'm talking 50-60 hour weeks AFTER they found out I was a Christian.). I also had to deal with people I respected criticizing Honor Academy and trying to convince me that it was harmful to me - that I would return "brainwashed"...so I have lost friends as well on this journey so far (not my decision of course).

I have learned that it is SO easy to focus on me, me, ME!...but you have to stop and think in the midst of chaos..."Why is this happening?" "What do you want me to learn from this, Lord?" and "Is this what its gonna take to keep on following your will for my life?" And throughout all of this I see that the more I am following God's will for my life, the more the enemy is going to try and distract me from that; & its not about ME at all...its about HIM. Who I stand for. :) I can't help but let that bring a smile to my face!...even in all of these hard things. There is definitely a spiritual battle going on in this world and I have never come so close or felt it more strongly than I have this summer. It can surely grab your attention, yet it is SO scary at the same time!

The scariest part of all is that this has been such a spirit-led experience & I have absolutely NO CLUE where I am going to be a year from now. God keeps putting a passion in my heart...words don't do it justice, but it literally feels like a burning...with such a deep joy and excitement. It usually comes out of nowhere! I could be praying, driving down the road, or sitting at work and I just feel it. He keeps telling me that something BIG is going to happen...that He is going to use me for something beyond my wildest hopes or dreams...but He hasn't told me what that is yet! I feel like a kid who is anticipating Christmas morning...LOL!

Its such an exhilarating yet terrifying thing sometimes to let God completely lead your life. He hasn't and won't ever let me down...so I'm going to keep on trusting... especially because I know now that HE KNOWS BEST even when I can't see all the reasoning behind the circumstance. :) God is good!!